Saturday, May 31, 2003
Ads Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers - From Frank
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
---------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
-----------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.
----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
---------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
---------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
-----------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
----------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY:
$7-- $9 PER HOUR.
------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
-----------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
------------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica no longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
---------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
-----------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.
----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
---------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
---------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
-----------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
----------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY:
$7-- $9 PER HOUR.
------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
-----------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
------------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica no longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Washington Post Style Invitational - From Frank
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational
asks readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only
one letter and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2002 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then,
like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeer Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style
Invitational:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational
asks readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only
one letter and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2002 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then,
like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeer Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style
Invitational:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
The Brew of Life - from Pete
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be selfish and worry about my liver." by Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools." Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny
Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin
Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last ----
As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff
Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how
it went:
Well ya' see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a
few beers."
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be selfish and worry about my liver." by Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools." Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny
Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin
Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last ----
As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff
Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how
it went:
Well ya' see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a
few beers."
Dilbert's Rules Of Order - From Liz
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the
statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and
thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check just bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy
and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
behind.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.
18. The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to
get.
18. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry
clipboard.
19. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse
can happen to you that day.
20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
21. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the
statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and
thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check just bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy
and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
behind.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.
18. The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to
get.
18. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry
clipboard.
19. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse
can happen to you that day.
20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
21. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried
25 Signs You've Grown Up - From Liz
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you.
The Why's of Men
(From Liz...Okay, okay, obviously, a woman's point of view, but still very funny)
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged
into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (they don't have enough
time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't
stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls
fall over their butts and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? > (so they won't hump
women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? > (you need a rough draft before
you make a final copy)
7 .HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
know......it never happened) C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde
jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? > (because a vibrator can't mow the
lawn)
One More Blonde Joke:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's A tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the
puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of
coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's A tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the
puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of
coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
KIDS' THOUGHTS ON LOVE
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
QUESTIONS CONCERNING LOVE AND WISDOM WERE POSED TO A GROUP OF CHILDREN
(AGES 5-10). THEIR RESPONSES WERE AMAZINGLY ASTUTE AND VERY ENLIGHTENING,
THUS PROVING THAT ALL WE NEED TO KNOW WE PROBABLY LEARNED IN
KINDERGARTEN!
Q: What is the proper age to get married?
A: Eighty-four. Because at that age you don't have to work anymore and
you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. (Judy,8)
A: Once I'm done with kindergarten I'm going to find me a wife.
(Tommy,5)
Q: What do most people do on a date?
A: On the first date they tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike,10)
Q: When is it okay to kiss someone?
A: you should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her
a big ring and her VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.
(Jim, 10)
A: It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you....that's why I stopped doing it. (Jean,10)
A: Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)
Q: The great debate: Is it better to be single or married?
A: It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them. (Lynette,9)
A: It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid.
I don't need that kind of trouble. (Kenny,7)
Q: Concerning why love happens between two people:
A: no one is sure why it happens but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.
(Jan,9)
Q: On what falling in love is like:
A: Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger,9)
A: If falling in love is anything like learning to spell I don't want
to do it. It takes to long to learn. (Leo,7)
Q: On the role of good looks in love & romance:
A: If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne,8)
A: Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.
(Christine,9)
Q: Concerning why lovers often hold hands:
A: They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them. (David,8)
Q: Confidential opinions about love:
A: I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when "The
Simpsons" are on TV. ((Anita,6)
A: Love will find you even if you are trying to hide from it. I've
been trying to hide from it since I was five but the girls keep finding me.
(Bobby,8)
A: I'm not rushing into being in love. I"m finding fourth grade hard
enough. (Regina, 10)
Q: Personal qualities necessary to be a good lover:
A: One of the best qualities is to know how to write a check. Because
even if you have a ton of love there is still going to be a lot of bills.
(Ava, 8)
Q: Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you:
A: Tell them that you own a bunch of candy stores. (Del,6)
A: Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention but attention ain't the same thing as love. (Alanzo,9)
A: one way is to take girls out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. (Bart,9)
Q: How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in
love?
A: Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love. (John,9)
A: Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food. (Brad, 8)
A: It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire.
(Christine,9)
Q:What most people are thinking when they say I love you:
A: They're thinking: yeah I really do love him but I hope he showers at
least once a day. (Michelle,9)
Q: How a person learns to kiss:
A: You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feeling gets the best
of you. (Doug,7)
A: It might help if you watched soap operas all day. (Carin,9)
Q: How to make love endure:
A: Spend most of your time loving instead of going of going to work.
(Tom,7)
A: Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love.
(Roger,8)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
QUESTIONS CONCERNING LOVE AND WISDOM WERE POSED TO A GROUP OF CHILDREN
(AGES 5-10). THEIR RESPONSES WERE AMAZINGLY ASTUTE AND VERY ENLIGHTENING,
THUS PROVING THAT ALL WE NEED TO KNOW WE PROBABLY LEARNED IN
KINDERGARTEN!
Q: What is the proper age to get married?
A: Eighty-four. Because at that age you don't have to work anymore and
you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. (Judy,8)
A: Once I'm done with kindergarten I'm going to find me a wife.
(Tommy,5)
Q: What do most people do on a date?
A: On the first date they tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike,10)
Q: When is it okay to kiss someone?
A: you should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her
a big ring and her VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.
(Jim, 10)
A: It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you....that's why I stopped doing it. (Jean,10)
A: Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)
Q: The great debate: Is it better to be single or married?
A: It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them. (Lynette,9)
A: It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid.
I don't need that kind of trouble. (Kenny,7)
Q: Concerning why love happens between two people:
A: no one is sure why it happens but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.
(Jan,9)
Q: On what falling in love is like:
A: Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger,9)
A: If falling in love is anything like learning to spell I don't want
to do it. It takes to long to learn. (Leo,7)
Q: On the role of good looks in love & romance:
A: If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne,8)
A: Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.
(Christine,9)
Q: Concerning why lovers often hold hands:
A: They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them. (David,8)
Q: Confidential opinions about love:
A: I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when "The
Simpsons" are on TV. ((Anita,6)
A: Love will find you even if you are trying to hide from it. I've
been trying to hide from it since I was five but the girls keep finding me.
(Bobby,8)
A: I'm not rushing into being in love. I"m finding fourth grade hard
enough. (Regina, 10)
Q: Personal qualities necessary to be a good lover:
A: One of the best qualities is to know how to write a check. Because
even if you have a ton of love there is still going to be a lot of bills.
(Ava, 8)
Q: Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you:
A: Tell them that you own a bunch of candy stores. (Del,6)
A: Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention but attention ain't the same thing as love. (Alanzo,9)
A: one way is to take girls out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. (Bart,9)
Q: How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in
love?
A: Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love. (John,9)
A: Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food. (Brad, 8)
A: It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire.
(Christine,9)
Q:What most people are thinking when they say I love you:
A: They're thinking: yeah I really do love him but I hope he showers at
least once a day. (Michelle,9)
Q: How a person learns to kiss:
A: You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feeling gets the best
of you. (Doug,7)
A: It might help if you watched soap operas all day. (Carin,9)
Q: How to make love endure:
A: Spend most of your time loving instead of going of going to work.
(Tom,7)
A: Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love.
(Roger,8)
