You Gotta Laugh

Q & A on MEN - From Cherie - (she really does like me...really.....she does......)

1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

3. Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

4. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Pilot Bumper Stickers - From LIZ

WITH ENOUGH THRUST, LIFT IS IRRELEVANT

FIGHT TO FLY, FLY TO FIGHT, FIGHT TO WIN

GET A HIGHER EDUCATION; LEARN TO FLY

AIR FORCE: WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY HAS TO BE DESTROYED OVERNIGHT

PILOTS KEEP IT UP LONGER

HOLD YOUR STICK, OR LOSE YOUR BALLS

FLYING THE F16, SECOND TO NONE BEST FUN WITH YOUR PANTS ON

HELICOPTERS DON'T FLY, THEY BEAT THE WIND INTO SUBMISSION!

REALITY IS FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T HANDLE SIMULATION

IFR PILOTS MAKE EXCELLENT BARTENDERS, THEY TEND TO SHAKE A LOT

COMMERCIAL PILOTS DO IT PROFFESIONALLY

RIP : REST IN PIECES

PARACHUTISTS ARE GOOD TO THE LAST DROP
- seen on a bumper sticker from a parachute school -

SEE YOU IN MY HUD !
-Fredje-

BRAVE THINGS HAVE WINGS

I'M NOT SPEEDING! I'M JUST FLYING LOW

JET NOISE - THE SOUND OF FREEDOM!

IN THRUST WE TRUST!

MY SECOND CAR IS AN AIRPLANE

I FLY JETS, I AM SHIT HOT

HAVE A SUSTAINED AIRGASM, FLY F-16

IT'S NOT FOR THE KILL...IT'S JUST FOR THE THRILL OF THE CHASE

PATIENCE, MY ASS, I'M GONNA KILL SOMETHING

FIGHTER PILOTS MAKE MOVIES, ATTACK PILOTS MAKE HISTORY
Comments:
Fighter pilots make movies. Attack pilots make shitty movies.
And don't believe those mudmovers who try to talk about history, either.
Without the air-to-air stuff, I'll tell ya who's history...

THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF AIRCRAFT: FIGHTERS AND TARGETS

I FEEL THE NEED,... THE NEED FOR SPEED

NO GUTS, NO GLORY

FLY WITH THE EAGLES,...OR SCRATCH WITH THE CHICKENS

ALWAYS EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED
Comments: If you expect the unexpected then it's not unexpected anymore. So, always expect the expected.

PEACE THROUGH SUPERIOR FIREPOWER

THE SUPERIOR PILOT USES HIS SUPERIOR JUDGEMENT TO AVOID SITUATIONS REQUIRING SUPERIOR SKILL

FLYING IS NOT DANGEROUS; CRASHING IS DANGEROUS

EAGLES MAY SOAR BUT WEASELS NEVER GET SUCKED INTO JET AIR INTAKES

TURN TO KILL, NOT TO ENGAGE - CDR Willie Driscoll, USN -

IF I WERE IN AN F-16, I'D BE HOME BY NOW

BE KING ON RADAR AND HAVE KING-KONG EYES

REMEMBER THE TIMES WHEN SMOKING WAS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, SEX WAS SAFE AND FLYING WAS DANGEROUS ?

UFO's ARE REAL - THE AIR FORCE IS A HOAX.

NUK' EM 'TILL THEY GLOW, THEN SHOOT THEM IN THE DARK !

Three Little Pigs Go out for Dinner... From Cherie

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but
why have you only ordered water all evening?"
(scroll down)

















You're gonna LOVE me for this....

Hold on to your seat ..


At the risk of never receiving e-mail ever again........


The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

2003 Stella Awards - From Cherie

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee
on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella
Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States for
last year.

The following are this year's candidates:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin,Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers
after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the
verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

**********************

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

**********************

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just
finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of
Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed, to the tune of $500,000.

******************************

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped o>n a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

****************************

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night
club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

****************************

This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise
control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go coffee. Not
surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued
Winnebago for not advising in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually
do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company
actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there
were any other
complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

Things You Learn From the Movies:

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

2. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

3. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

4. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

6. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

8. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

9. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

10. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

11. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

16. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

17. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts


Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. Noone knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Home Depot, John Deere, the local RV Center, and the local tire store. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to any pro football, basketball, or hockey game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Interesting Questions....

* If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
* Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
* What do chickens think we taste like?
* What do people in China call their good plates?
* What do you call a male ladybug?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
* When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
* When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
* Which is the other side of the street?
* Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
* Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

An Aggie Joke

A Texas A & M grad walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, he asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The A&M grad then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So the A&M grad buys one. The next day, he brings it to work. His boss, also an Aggie, asks, "What is that shiny object?" He replies "It's a thermos." The boss asks, "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

And I thought I put my foot in my mouth!!..or... Think before you speak? From Pete


Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do.... ·

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX ·

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI ·

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick,34, Ellerslie, MD ·

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now," she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson,Stafford, Virginia ·

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Diane E. Amov ·

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped a Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! ·

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

Cajun 10 Commandments.......


Jus be one God in dat Heaven!

Don't be having no idols.

Don't be cussin' at nobody.

Brought yo-self to church when dey open da doors.

Listen to you maw-maw an' paw-paw.

Don't be kilt nobody.

Ma chere, don't sleep wit yo brother's wife.

Don't go took nothin' from nobody.

Always told da whole troot.

Don't go wish fo yo' neighbor's pirogue or tings

Men are like.....


Men are like..... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like..... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like..... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like..... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like..... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like..... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like..... Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate interest.

Men are like..... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.

Men are like..... Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

Men are like..... Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like..... Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like..... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like..... High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like..... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like..... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like..... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like..... Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like..... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like..... Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like..... Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like..... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like..... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like..... Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like..... Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like..... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Prescription Pass


Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?

The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.

Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.

It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.

And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

Shirley Goodnest


Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much. Being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked with him the first few days, but he came home one day telling her he did not want her walking him to school every day . He wanted to be like "big boys". He protested so loudly that she had to find another way to handle it. She asked her neighbor Nancy if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school at a distance, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Nancy said that, since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise so she agreed. The next school day, Nancy and her little girl set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with his friend Ronnie. This went on for a whole week. Timmy's friend noticed that this same lady was following them every day. Finally Ronnie asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is." Ronnie asked, "Well, who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest an' her little girl Marcy," Timmy said. Ronnie inquired further, "Well, why does she follow us every day like that?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night Momma makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So, I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

Sorry about that, teach!


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

Remember when we could do these things without worry?


You lived as a child in the 50s 60s or the 70s. Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.................
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones.
Unthinkable.

We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight........we were always outside playing.

We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this?

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cellular phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms, ............... we had friends.

We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves!
Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....

Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to survive.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Do you Speak with an Italian accent? This guy does!


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Denna I
come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they
come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a
more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend
howa to spella Mississippi."

OOPS!



1000 persons attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, Sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Chickasaw, Alabama."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"
Attendee: "Oh, I thought you said "goat."

More Bumper Sticker Classics

Buckle Up! It Makes it Harder for the Aliens to suck you out of your car

Borrow Money Only From Pessimists they don`t expect it back

Born OK the First Time

Change is Inevitable. Struggle is an Option.

Cleverly disguised as a Responsible Adult.

Consciousness That Annoying Time Between Naps

Cover Me I`m Changing Lanes

Despite The High Cost Of Living its still extremely popular

Errors Have Been Made. Others Will Be Blamed

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

Get In-Sit Down-Shut Up-HOLD ON

Here I Am. Now What Were Your Other Two Wishes?

If Only Closed Minds Came with Closed Mouths

I`ll try being Nicer, if you`ll try being Smarter

Lottery: A Tax on People who are bad at math

Madness takes its Toll. Please Have Exact Change.

My Convictions are Not for Public Display

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE for the man who doesn`t have to do it himself

Of course I don`t look busy... I did it right the first time

Oh, sure...but what`s the speed of DARK!?

On The Other Hand, The Early Worm Gets Eaten

Practice Visualizing Your Turn Signals

Religious groups should stay out of politics or... be taxed.

Reality is for people who lack Imagination

Rome Did Not Create A Great Empire by having meetings. They did it by killing those who opposed them.

So You`re a Feminist isn`t that cute

Support Bacteria its the only culture some people have.

Stop Global Whining

Stop Repeat Offenders. Don`t Re-Elect Them

The Early Bird Gets The Worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The only trouble with Baptists is they don`t hold them under long enough.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. YOU CHOOSE!!

The Problem With The Gene Pool is there is no lifeguard,

The Goddess loves you. Everyone else thinks you`re a jerk.

The Spirit of the Taliban Lives in all Fundamentalists

Things Haven`t Been The Same since that house fell on my sister.

The More You Complain the longer god makes you live.

VEGETARIAN Primitive Word for Lousy Hunter

WARNING: I have an Attitude & I know how to use it.

Your Proctologist Called, They Found Your Head

Life could be worse...you could be an EGG!


How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 6 other guys

But worst of all..

...the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up! Life COULD be worse!

TO BE ANNOUNCED.....

KIDS Advice ON MARRIAGE

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that
you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Errick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10

KIDS Advice ON MARRIAGE

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Errick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10

Now We're Cookin'.....NOT!

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife,
"Your butt is as wide as the grill."

She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his
measuring tape and then he goes over to his wife while she is
bending over working in a flower bed, he measures her rear end and
gasps, "Geez, it is as wide as the grill!"

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.

She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for
one little weiner, you are mistaken."

FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.


DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk
anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.


MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, if the mayonnaise is spoiled.


FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway)
by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.


MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.


LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.


CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball
should be disposed of. Carefully.


CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.


WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.


POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.


CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it
has gone bad.


GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

VIRUS ALERT!

I would like to apologize to everyone who got sent a computer virus because of me.
I received an e-mail purported to be from tennis star Anna Kournikova which read
"Hello, this is tennis star Anna Kournikova and my breast are bursting out of my tiny
top thinking of the racy picture I just sent you! Ooooo!" When I opened the attachment
it was just one of those viruses that sends itself to everyone in your address book. I've
never met Anna Kournikova, but I thought maybe she had seen me on a security camera
somewhere. I really feel stupid about the whole thing and I'm sorry.

I would like to apologize again. Right after sending out the previous apology I got an
e-mail supposedly from tennis star Anna Kournikova which read "Oh, I sent you a
virus by mistake. Silly Anna Kournikova! Here's that picture of me -- but don't open
it if you're offended by nudity!" Well, even tennis stars can make a mistake. But when
I opened the attachment it turned out to be one of those viruses that make your computer
laugh at you and give you the finger and then e-mails itself to everyone in your address
book and gives them the finger too. Although she's always surrounded by jocks and male
models, I thought what Anna Kournikova might really be looking for was a quiet life with a
guy in a dead-end job with a hump on his back. I thought the e-mail might be her way of "making
her move." Anyhow, I feel like a big jerk and I'm very sorry. I won't be fooled again.

I would like to apologize to everyone out there who now has a big picture of Ed Asner's scrotum
on their computer screen because of me. After that last apology, I got an e-mail that read "Don't
open this attachment, you idiot. It is NOT from Anna Kournikova and is NOT a picture of her sudsing
up in a shower." This, for some reason, sounded SO Anna Kournikova to me. You know, playing hard to
get.
But the attachment turned out to be one of those viruses that makes your mouse jump up and hit you
in the head while your computer makes nyuk-nyuk sounds from the Three Stooges and then sends
pictures of Ed Asner's scrotum to everyone in your address book that can only be removed from their
computer screens by sand-blasting. Has there ever been a bigger doofus than me? I don't think so. I
can tell you for sure, Anna Kournikova and me are finished!

Hold on a second, I've just gotten an e-mail.

THIS JUST IN!

Wrigley receives patent for Viagra gum....

So does this mean that from here on out, if she offers you a stick of gum you're about to get laid?

More Dumb Laws - from Vic

Alaska: It is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aeroplane or other flying vehicle.

Arizona: It is illegal to hunt camels. It is also against the law to kick a mule.

Florida: It is illegal to doze off under a hair dryer.

Georgia: It is against the law to slap an old friend on the back. It is also illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole in Atlanta.

Hawaii: It is illegal to insert a penny in your ear. (Talk about your easy to comply with laws!)

Idaho: It is illegal for a citizen to give another citizen a box of candy larger than 50lbs.

Indiana: It is illegal to carry fishing tackle into a cemetery. And if you're female there's a law stating your dresses may be no more than two inches above the ankle. Of course, a mustache is illegal on anyone who "habitually kisses human beings."

Kansas: The official wording is: "When trains meet at a crossing, both shall come to a full stop and neither shall proceed until the other has gone."

Kentucky: It is illegal to bathe less than once a year. (Oh GOOD!) There's also a law against sleeping in a restaurant.

Louisiana: It is unlawful to whistle on Sunday.

Massachusetts: It is illegal to bathe more than once a week. (Let's hear it for the criminals!)

Michigan: It is illegal to put a skunk in your boss' desk. It's also illegal to hitch your crocodile to a fire hydrant. (There must be some REALLY weird people in Michigan!)

Minnesota: You may not hang male and female underwear next to each other on a clothesline. Of course if you're male there's also a law ordering you to have a beard.

Missouri: It is illegal to play hopscotch on a Sunday.

Montana: It is unlawful to drive a truck or car with ice picks fitted to the wheels. (This is a good thing!)

New Jersey: It is illegal to walk barefoot on the boardwalk. (Careful! They've been known to enforce this one!)

North Carolina: It is against the law to sing out of tune.

Ohio: It is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. It is also illegal to throw a reptile at someone.

Tennessee: It is illegal for a girl to phone a man for a date. It is also against the law to take a fish of another person's hook.

Vermont: It is illegal to whistle under water.

Virginia: The law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the houses.

Bizarre (but for real) Sex Laws

They're surprising. They're baffling. And, often, they're downright
stupid. These laws about sex and sexuality defy explanation.

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves.
This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.

In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

"Female breasts," according to the Arizona Supreme Court,
don't constitute "private parts" under state law.

The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with
castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

The T'ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral
sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy
of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting
male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when
meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would
kneel before her and kiss her genitals.

There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one
of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition
against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme
Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.

In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught
as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement.

The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in
sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's
husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts,
but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence
of men other than her husband.

An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she
were willing to join the opera.

The Romans would crush a first-time rapist's gonads between two stones.

In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in
the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.

The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays,
Fridays and of course, Sundays.

In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to
dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency
to habitually kiss other humans."

Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes
with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape.
A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose,
the thinking being that without a nose, it would be harder to find
someone to share in her adulterous ways.

In Krakow, Poland it's not only a crime to have sex with animals,
but three-time offenders are shot in the head. Up until 1884, a woman
could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception—prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption
on the premises."

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery
(stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when
their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their
rectum.

In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste
woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise
of marriage."

In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies
containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women.
The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes
actors from these three countries.

It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time. Why? Under the law in Guam, it is forbidden
for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover
may be killed in any manner desired.

An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she
were willing to join the opera.

In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Specifically, "The
depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person
who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume
for the purpose of sexual gratification."

During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be
burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse
with a live fish.

As recently as 1990, these states had laws against heterosexual fellatio,
cunnilingus, anal sex and the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona,
Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida,
South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts,
Rhode Island and Washington D.C.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile
unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's
own property.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing
while standing in front of a man's picture.

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall
appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she
be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a
club."

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary
position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her
husband's permission.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct
official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is
in session.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have
sex without a permit.

Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male
animal is expressly forbidden.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city
streets.

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse
during sex.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on
the city's airport property.

Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England—but only
in tropical fish stores.

In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral
and or anal sex and is considered sodomy. The same law does not apply
to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with
the lights on.

In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is
not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.

Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species
(except for insects) in public or private sexual displays, shows or
exhibits depicting cross-species sex.

In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man
to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of
any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with
a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex
with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges,
the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man
does not receive any punishment.

Sodomy laws have been repealed—or are ignored—in most states, but
not Georgia, where a man was sentenced not long ago to five years
in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent.
In their home. His predicament has apparently been a source of considerable
amusement to other inmates.

An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that
a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written
consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting
or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his
wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed
to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you—or
holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown—if
they're nude.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet
apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal
to make love on the floor between the beds.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if
they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have
sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil-service job—for men only—called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious
officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind,
honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before
getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance
on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds,
two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Comer, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while
they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman,
you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio—a
man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

An old law in Cattle Creek, Colorado bans a man or his wife from making
love while bathing "in any lake, river or stream."

Vending-machine condom sales, on the other hand, are banned in such
states as Hawaii, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.
Yes, you may purchase a pack of gum, a candy bar, some potato chips,
or a soft drink from a vending machine—but, alas, absolutely no condoms!

And in Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist"
may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets
or other public places." No, not even physicians! Anyone who
tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted
for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."

No one may purchase a package of condoms at a corner drugstore anywhere
in Nebraska. Only physicians can sell them while practicing medicine.

In Arkansas, condoms can be sold only by physicians and other medical
practitioners.

Delaware allows the sale of condoms only by doctors and wholesale druggists.

Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and
licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not
be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers. Maine, on the
other hand, licenses condom sellers, and the license must always be
on public display.

Nevada, with 35 legal bordellos, has no condom problem; the law there
requires that condoms be made readily available at each brothel. The
use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory.

Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors
from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed,
called "the seduction of female students" in the ludicrous legislation,
is prosecuted as a felony. This statute apparently applies only to male
teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have
sex with male students.

Authorities in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, passed a special piece of
legislation governing sexual activities in the toll-collection booths
on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. The law, which pertains only to female
toll collectors, prohibits them from engaging in sex with a truck
driver in the confines of a booth. Any woman violating this law will
be fired for "behavior unbecoming an employee." (If for
any reason the transgressor is later reinstated, she won't be allowed
back pay.)

Clinton, Oklahoma, is apparently a community with unusually high moral
standards. The city fathers have banned local men from masturbating
while observing a couple making love in the back seat of a parked
car in a drive-in theater. Such a peeper can be fined and jailed for
"molesting a vehicle."

North Carolina has a law on the books against "Peeping Toms,"
but the legislation is somewhat biased! It's illegal in that state
for a man to peep through a window at a woman—yet it's not against
the law for a woman to peep into a room occupied by a man. (Nor is
it a violation of the law if a man peeps at another man!)

California husbands and wives can both still get a 15- year penitentiary
term for engaging in certain sexual practices. They are specifically
prohibited from engaging in any oral activities even in the privacy
of their own bedroom.

Try to avoid going through Skullbone, Tennessee, if you desire a little
sex while driving. The law there bans a woman from "pleasuring
a man" while he is sitting behind the wheel of any moving vehicle.
Any man stopped and found with the front of his pants undone can be
fined a minimum of $50 and serve thirty days in jail.

Married, yet want to mess around a little on the side? If so, be careful
where you decide to play. In California, adultery is punishable by
a $1,000 fine and/or one year in prison. But adultery in Arkansas
is much cheaper—offenders are fined a mere $20 to $100.

If you live in Michigan and feel an uncontrollable desire to have
a fulfilling physical encounter with someone of the opposite sex,
please restrain yourself! Take a trip to Texas or Virginia before
succumbing to your sensual desires. Why? Because single guys and gals
who are caught in the act in Michigan can be fined as much as $5,000,
and they could be sentenced to as many as five years in prison. Single
adults in Texas who are apprehended while having sex are charged with
a misdemeanor and given a $500 fine. On the other hand, singles in
Virginia who get caught spend no time in jail, and the fine is a paltry
$20 to $100, according to the court's judgment.

Branchville, South Carolina, retains a wonderful old piece of loony
legalese covering those who "lewdly and lasciviously associate,
bed, and cohabit together, in a public or non-public place."
The amorous couple can be punished with a $500 fine and as much as
a six-month prison term.

Single folks have it relatively easy in Rhode Island. This state still
prohibits unmarried people from partaking of bedroom activities under
any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined $10.

Unmarried adults in Arizona who decide to fool around a little are
committing a serious felony. Anyone single, man or woman, caught having
sex can be sent to the penitentiary for three full years.

Many variations of sexual fun and games have apparently been a popular
pastime in societies throughout history. Ancient Roman art regularly
depicts quite a number of these activities. So does the art of bygone
Greece. Drawings by the ancient Egyptians include the same things.
It's found even in paintings done by prehistoric cave dwellers. Despite
such artistic license, many of the United States still punish certain
bedroom antics rather severely. For example, South Dakota (Compiled
Laws 22-22-21) threatens a ten-year prison term for "copulation
by means of mouth." Utah (Code 76-53-22) has made this same act
a misdemeanor; there, oral sex brings a six-month jail term and a
$299 fine. Rhode Island (General Laws 11-10-1) labels it an "'abominable,
detestable crime against nature," and such activity brings a
seven-to-ten-year stretch in the penitentiary. It is outlawed in New
Mexico (Statutes 40-A-9-6), where participation is punishable by a
$5,000 fine and a two-to-ten-year sentence. Florida (Statutes 800.01)
chastises with a twenty-year prison sentence those who take part in
this act.
Men can still be arrested and punished for the crime of "patronizing
a prostitute." This is the law in such places as New York, Kansas,
Illinois, and Connecticut€”which gives a "john" three years
in prison. Go to Kansas if you really must do business with a hooker.
It's only one month in jail and a $500 fine for anyone who gets caught.
Better yet, visit Nevada, where prostitution is legal. (The state
actually has had within its borders an organization called the Nevada
Brothel Association!)

A gentleman can be incarcerated for from one to ten years in an Arizona
or Washington, D.C., prison for causing his wife to be a prostitute."
A man can also get ten years in Arkansas and twenty years in Maine
and Michigan for placing" his spouse in a brothel. And in Missouri
it's a "high misdemeanor" for a fellow to "force"
his wife to sell sexual services on the streets.

Don't import an Asian woman and make her a prostitute in California.
If you're caught, you could get a year in prison and a $500 fine.

Buckfield, Maine, has a rather unusual law regarding cab drivers and
sex. The legislation declares that no taxi driver "will be allowed"
to charge a fare to any passenger who gives him sexual favors"
in return for a ride home from a nightclub or other "establishment
which serves alcoholic beverages," or any "place of business"
selling liquor.

Carlsbad, New Mexico, retains a law making it illegal under certain
conditions for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their
lunch break from work. The car or van must have tightly drawn curtains
to stop strangers from peeking inside while the activity is taking
place.

A good friend in bad times - How to help a friend get through the worst.

By Lisa Earle McLeod


One of your best buddies is going through a crisis. Whether it's marital woes, a death in the family, a job loss or an ordeal with her kids, her problem is serious — and she needs you. A five-minute pep talk isn't going to cut it, so it's time to pull out all the friendship stops. Here are seven ways to show her you really care:

1. Show up. Go to the funeral, hospital or courtroom — be present when she needs you most. She may be surrounded by a sea of people, but make no mistake: Your presence means a lot. Many of those crowded around are either directly involved in the problem at hand or relying on your pal for support, but you can offer her your undivided attention and a shoulder to cry on. Karen, 32, made it through her mother's funeral partly because of the presence of a true friend. "She came early and stayed late," she says. "It was the longest day of my life, but Ellen was beside me every minute."

2. Second her emotions. Your job is to let your friend know that her feelings are justified. Shannon, a 34-year-old mother of a son with autism, is frustrated by many friends' turn-that-frown-upside-down reactions. "People ignore the situation or try to point out the upside," she says. "I love my son, but there are some days I just want to be down. The last thing I need is someone with perfect children telling me to cheer up. Why can't people just admit that I have a right to be depressed about it sometimes?" A good friend commiserates and doesn't try to talk her pal out of her negative emotions.

3. Lighten the load. Vague offers such as "Let me know if there's anything I can do," put the ball back in your friend's court. Instead, spell out what you're willing to do. Offer to clean her house, take her kids to school or do her grocery shopping. When Durwood, age 48, found out that his colleague's son had leukemia, he responded by mowing his co-worker's lawn every week. "I didn't know him well enough to visit the hospital, but with all the things this guy has to worry about, his grass shouldn't be one of them," he says. You can't make bad stuff go away, but you can free up a person's time so that he or she can deal with the crisis.

4. Grab the reins. Take charge of the collective efforts to help your friend. It's not pushy to set up a phone tree or hospital visitation schedule. Someone needs to make sure that your friend is covered at all times and that everyone doesn't show up at once and then disappear into the woodwork. When Sara's husband died, her friend Janet, a take-charge attorney, jumped into action. She made everyone who brought food label their Tupperware containers, and she created schedules so the meals would last. She even sent out thank-you notes.

5. Weather the storm. Let's get real: Depressed people aren't a whole lot of fun to be around. But true friends are not fair-weather friends. You've had plenty of good times together, but life is such that some bad spells are inevitable. Don't add to a friend's plight by making her feel as if she's a burden or a loser — make an extra effort to reach out and stay connected. For 35-year-old Annie, the worst aspect of her divorce was being dropped by several buddies. "They just quit including me in their parties," she laments. "I thought we were friends, but now that I'm not part of a fun couple, they don't have time for me."

6. Don't play Pollyanna. If you haven't been there, you don't know what your pal is going through. Leave your rose-colored glasses at home, and don't shower her with anecdotes about how so-and-so dealt with the problem and eventually thrived. "If one more person reminds me that J.F.K. Jr. took the bar three times before he passed, I'll scream," laments Kristina, a 24-year-old law school graduate who flunked the bar a second time. A good friend listens and dispenses practical advice, not empty platitudes.

7. Forget perfect. Don't let the fear of doing the wrong thing keep you from being there for your friend. You don't have to create a Martha moment to show you care; store-bought food is as good as a homemade casserole, and a hug speaks volumes. I'll never forget how my friend Shannon responded to my miscarriage. When I got home from the hospital, I opened the door to find her standing there with takeout, a video for my four-year-old and a stack of magazines. When she said, "Don't worry, I'm here to feed you, not poison you. I promise it's from a restaurant," I had my first laugh in days. Who needs a domestic goddess when you've got a friend like that?

EVEN MORE REASONS

5 Reasons Sex is Good For You!

Print this out and share it with your lover! By Laura Snyder

Better sleep. A sexier physique. Stronger immunity. Sound like the effects of the latest wonder drug? Nope, it's just the many physical benefits of having a satisfying sexual relationship. And all this time you were just making love because it was fun! If you're looking for more reasons to get romantic, consider the following:

1. You're getting a good workout. Would you rather run 75 miles or have sex three times a week for one year? While both burn the same number of calories (about 7,500), one is decidedly more pleasurable than the other. Regular sex - which burns approximately 150 calories in a half-hour -- is regular exercise. You'll have all the same benefits of spending that time in the gym, including improved circulation, lower cholesterol and the release of feel-good endorphins.

2. You won't get sick. According to research by Dr. Carl Charnetski, professor of psychology at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa and co-author of Feeling Good is Good For You, people who reported one or two sexual episodes per week enjoyed higher levels of Immunoglobin A, the antibody that helps fend of illness.

3. You'll feel happier. In addition to the obvious boost in satisfaction, feeling secure in your relationship leads to a greater sense of well-being. Women in particular may see even more benefits. Researchers at the State University of New York at Albany found that women who regularly came into contact with semen were significantly less depressed than those who didn't get a dose of those potent sex hormones and naturally occurring opiates.

4. You'll reduce stress. People who get it on regularly report that they handle stress better. The release of climax will get even the most anxious lover totally relaxed, and you know you'll sleep better.

5. You'll live longer (and look younger!). A British study of 1,000 men found that those who had at least two orgasms per week had half the death rate of those who indulged less than once a month. Sex can make you look longer, too, according to neuropsychologist David Weeks, who found that men and women who reported having sex an average of four times per week looked approximately 10 years younger than they really were.

Dictionary Of Dating

ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.

DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time
and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive
men.

EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals
of a man.

EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they
are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men
have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily
due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are
not located in her chest.

FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him
do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.

SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

See? It really is good for you!

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair
shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and
makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins
into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world.
IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that
causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Funny How Things Get Started.....

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going
right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not
getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been
drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh
out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions
of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk,
the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he
isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from
the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

He said "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this
year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to
pass........

WARNING!!! - AGGIE VIRUS ON THE LOOSE!

You have just received the "Aggie Virus"!!!
As we don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the
honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive,
and manually forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation,
Computer Science Dept.
Texas A&M University

Subject: ABC's of Friends...



A Friend....
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-amines your head injuries
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

Relationship resolutions

How to make your love life better in the new year.

By MP Dunleavey for Lifetime


Making New Year's resolutions is irresistible. A fresh new year stretches before you like a white paper tablecloth set with a cup of bright crayons. How can you not want to make your mark?

But rather than just promise to take yoga twice a week, quit smoking and finally open that 401K, channel some of that impulse for self-improvement into your romantic life. Whether you're single, married or somewhere in between, 'tis the season to take stock of your relationship (or, if you're like me, the lack thereof) and vow to have a happier, healthier love life. (And you can set up that 401K, too.) May this sampler of romantic resolutions inspire you to make positive change. Repeat after me: I hereby resolve to:

1. Never go on another blind date
If you know someone who knows someone who they want you to meet, tell them to throw a brunch and invite El Mysterioso to meet you there. I'm sorry, but there is something wrong with a system where the person who sets you up doesn't even have to be in the same room when you meet your blind date. What, are they scared?

2. Have sex in a closet
Or the shower. Or a cornfield. Or any other place where you've never done it before. Before the year is out, know each other in the biblical sense in a way that involves either rug burn, a foot cramp, a hilarious story to tell afterward — or all of the above.

3. Listen to my inner sage
Looking back on some of the bad-news guys I've dated in the last few years, I realize that my intuition always had their number, often saying things like, "This would be your cue to run screaming in the opposite direction, MP!" Too bad I never listened — and stuck it out far longer than I should have. So here's to the small voice inside of you that wants to keep your heart whole and your mind unscrambled: Listen up!

4. Put myself first
Relationships have a way of nibbling at the time you need for yourself. When you notice that your plans with friends or yourself keep crumbling, put up a big, red DGT sign in your head: Don't Go There! You (and your partner) will be so much happier when you keep your personal batteries charged.

5. Not make a mountain out of a molehill
Whenever you're tied up in knots over what he said (or didn't say), what he did (or didn't do), the truth is: You lose. You lose peace of mind, time, sleep, basic sanity. Don't dwell on little grievances. Instead, register your annoyance and move on. A wise friend of mine has resolved to set an egg timer for five minutes whenever her husband ticks her off. She has that time set aside to vent, and then it's back to her day.

6. Make time for lovemaking
Nothing smothers desire — and with it, love-like exhaustion. Resolve to stay home more often so that you and your loved one have chunks of uninterrupted lounging time that are conducive to connecting, really connecting. One friend who has adopted this strategy points out that when you stay home, you also save money. More sex and more $$$? Now, that's a resolution with a payoff!

7. Break free of dating ruts
If you have any dating principles like "I won't date blondes or men under six feet tall," ditch 'em! In honor of 2002, dump those so-last-year Dos and Don'ts. Date a guy who isn't cute, but makes you laugh. Take a chance on someone who's not your "type:" a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker. Break out of your mold, and you give yourself a chance to break free of other patterns that have haunted your past relationships.

8. Wear cute stuff
You know that friend of yours who always looks hot? Who never lets anyone forget that she's a woooooman and always gets lots of attention? You may hate her, but you have to give her props for her creative, eye-catching use of curves (the same curves that you hesitate to reveal.) Therefore, make her take you shopping. Tomorrow. Think of it as a down-payment on all the male interest you're about to get.

9. Accept him
This is hard. You don't always want to accept him As Is. After all, you're not getting a discount on this particular model. But love, at its best, is about valuing the differences. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be, and you may discover that there's even more of him to adore.

10. Have more fun together
I've been studying the couples I know who are happy. The common denominator? Laughter. It doesn't matter who's taking out the garbage — if a couple can joke around, their relationship is undoubtedly healthy. So, make some play time with your play mate. Get silly, whether it's playing X-rated Charades or having tickle fights. Make this a year you look back on with a smile.

Relationship resolutions

How to make your love life better in the new year.

By MP Dunleavey for Lifetime


Making New Year's resolutions is irresistible. A fresh new year stretches before you like a white paper tablecloth set with a cup of bright crayons. How can you not want to make your mark?

But rather than just promise to take yoga twice a week, quit smoking and finally open that 401K, channel some of that impulse for self-improvement into your romantic life. Whether you're single, married or somewhere in between, 'tis the season to take stock of your relationship (or, if you're like me, the lack thereof) and vow to have a happier, healthier love life. (And you can set up that 401K, too.) May this sampler of romantic resolutions inspire you to make positive change. Repeat after me: I hereby resolve to:

1. Never go on another blind date
If you know someone who knows someone who they want you to meet, tell them to throw a brunch and invite El Mysterioso to meet you there. I'm sorry, but there is something wrong with a system where the person who sets you up doesn't even have to be in the same room when you meet your blind date. What, are they scared?

2. Have sex in a closet
Or the shower. Or a cornfield. Or any other place where you've never done it before. Before the year is out, know each other in the biblical sense in a way that involves either rug burn, a foot cramp, a hilarious story to tell afterward — or all of the above.

3. Listen to my inner sage
Looking back on some of the bad-news guys I've dated in the last few years, I realize that my intuition always had their number, often saying things like, "This would be your cue to run screaming in the opposite direction, MP!" Too bad I never listened — and stuck it out far longer than I should have. So here's to the small voice inside of you that wants to keep your heart whole and your mind unscrambled: Listen up!

4. Put myself first
Relationships have a way of nibbling at the time you need for yourself. When you notice that your plans with friends or yourself keep crumbling, put up a big, red DGT sign in your head: Don't Go There! You (and your partner) will be so much happier when you keep your personal batteries charged.

5. Not make a mountain out of a molehill
Whenever you're tied up in knots over what he said (or didn't say), what he did (or didn't do), the truth is: You lose. You lose peace of mind, time, sleep, basic sanity. Don't dwell on little grievances. Instead, register your annoyance and move on. A wise friend of mine has resolved to set an egg timer for five minutes whenever her husband ticks her off. She has that time set aside to vent, and then it's back to her day.

6. Make time for lovemaking
Nothing smothers desire — and with it, love-like exhaustion. Resolve to stay home more often so that you and your loved one have chunks of uninterrupted lounging time that are conducive to connecting, really connecting. One friend who has adopted this strategy points out that when you stay home, you also save money. More sex and more $$$? Now, that's a resolution with a payoff!

7. Break free of dating ruts
If you have any dating principles like "I won't date blondes or men under six feet tall," ditch 'em! In honor of 2002, dump those so-last-year Dos and Don'ts. Date a guy who isn't cute, but makes you laugh. Take a chance on someone who's not your "type:" a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker. Break out of your mold, and you give yourself a chance to break free of other patterns that have haunted your past relationships.

8. Wear cute stuff
You know that friend of yours who always looks hot? Who never lets anyone forget that she's a woooooman and always gets lots of attention? You may hate her, but you have to give her props for her creative, eye-catching use of curves (the same curves that you hesitate to reveal.) Therefore, make her take you shopping. Tomorrow. Think of it as a down-payment on all the male interest you're about to get.

9. Accept him
This is hard. You don't always want to accept him As Is. After all, you're not getting a discount on this particular model. But love, at its best, is about valuing the differences. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be, and you may discover that there's even more of him to adore.

10. Have more fun together
I've been studying the couples I know who are happy. The common denominator? Laughter. It doesn't matter who's taking out the garbage — if a couple can joke around, their relationship is undoubtedly healthy. So, make some play time with your play mate. Get silly, whether it's playing X-rated Charades or having tickle fights. Make this a year you look back on with a smile.

Recycled but still Good!

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.
IT GOES ON.

Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and,
after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got
the guts to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life:
(1) Never tell everything you know.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it
doesn't get any worse.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the
antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause
what can an antelope say?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through
a suitable application of high explosives.

You'll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you
can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
--Elizabeth Taylor

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
than
expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
planning to reduce the time it takes.

Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider
themselves to be above average drivers.

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6
days and then pulled an all-nighter.