Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Moral of the Donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to
be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the
donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was
astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the
donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step
up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as
the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick is to shake it off
and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
O.K., that's enough of that... The donkey later came back, caught the
farmer out in the field and bit him. Then kicked the shit out of him.
Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and bit and kicked the crap
out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you...
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to
be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the
donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was
astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the
donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step
up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as
the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick is to shake it off
and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
O.K., that's enough of that... The donkey later came back, caught the
farmer out in the field and bit him. Then kicked the shit out of him.
Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and bit and kicked the crap
out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you...
Thursday, July 17, 2003
A Blonde Joke
When the blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later the woman was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
When the blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later the woman was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Another Chicken Joke
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the
chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He
asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet.
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the
chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He
asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet.
Aggie Chicken Farmer
An Aggie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the
proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the man.
"I mean business," the Aggie replied.
A week later he was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," he repiled. "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?"
"Yeah, I think I planted that last batch too close together."
An Aggie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the
proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the man.
"I mean business," the Aggie replied.
A week later he was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," he repiled. "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?"
"Yeah, I think I planted that last batch too close together."
The Daily Commute
An Aggie grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. "Hi, honey", says his wife,
"I was just listening to the traffic report on the radio. There's some lunatic driving the wrong way on the freeway, so be careful!" The Aggie replies, "I will, but let me tell you, there's more than one of them -- there's hundreds!"
An Aggie grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. "Hi, honey", says his wife,
"I was just listening to the traffic report on the radio. There's some lunatic driving the wrong way on the freeway, so be careful!" The Aggie replies, "I will, but let me tell you, there's more than one of them -- there's hundreds!"
Doggie Diagnosis
A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day."
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead." "Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?"
The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead." "I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?" "$230."
"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"
"Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."
A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day."
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead." "Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?"
The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead." "I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?" "$230."
"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"
"Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."
Good news for a change! *damn I am laughing over this one!*
SYDNEY (Reuters)
An ejaculation a day keeps the doctor away
SYDNEY (Reuters) - Frequent masturbation may be really good for you.
Research by Australia's Cancer Council Victoria found that the more often men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to suffer the disease that kills more than half a million men each year.
The survey of 1,079 prostate cancer (news - web sites) patients and 1,259 healthy men found that those who masturbated or had sex at least once a day in their 20s were a third less likely to develop the malady.
"For men in their 50s of course that's often not achievable," Graham Giles, who led the research team, told Reuters on Thursday.
"(But) masturbation isn't bad for you. I don't believe in the blindness and hairy palms theory. Prohibitions against ejaculations are not based on science," he said.
The study, conducted between 1994 and 1998 but still being analysed, did not focus specifically on masturbation.
Nevertheless, it was the largest so far to ask participants not just about their sexual relations but also about masturbation, and to analyse the answers.
Giles said the findings correlate with previous research that showed Roman Catholic priests were 30 percent more likely to get prostate cancer, but they contradict other studies that suggested having a variety of partners or frequent sex could lift the risk.
One theory that could explain the new results is that semen may have a carcinogenic effect on the cells lining the prostatic ducts if not flushed regularly out of the pipes by ejaculations.
The research is due to be published in this weekend's British Journal of Urology International.
SYDNEY (Reuters)
An ejaculation a day keeps the doctor away
SYDNEY (Reuters) - Frequent masturbation may be really good for you.
Research by Australia's Cancer Council Victoria found that the more often men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to suffer the disease that kills more than half a million men each year.
The survey of 1,079 prostate cancer (news - web sites) patients and 1,259 healthy men found that those who masturbated or had sex at least once a day in their 20s were a third less likely to develop the malady.
"For men in their 50s of course that's often not achievable," Graham Giles, who led the research team, told Reuters on Thursday.
"(But) masturbation isn't bad for you. I don't believe in the blindness and hairy palms theory. Prohibitions against ejaculations are not based on science," he said.
The study, conducted between 1994 and 1998 but still being analysed, did not focus specifically on masturbation.
Nevertheless, it was the largest so far to ask participants not just about their sexual relations but also about masturbation, and to analyse the answers.
Giles said the findings correlate with previous research that showed Roman Catholic priests were 30 percent more likely to get prostate cancer, but they contradict other studies that suggested having a variety of partners or frequent sex could lift the risk.
One theory that could explain the new results is that semen may have a carcinogenic effect on the cells lining the prostatic ducts if not flushed regularly out of the pipes by ejaculations.
The research is due to be published in this weekend's British Journal of Urology International.
Mariann Simms of Alabama wins worst writing award - and deservedly so....
"They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white ... Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently," Simms wrote.
"They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white ... Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently," Simms wrote.
I took a few days away from the computer.....it's summertime.....I'll probably do it again...so sue me
Sunday, July 13, 2003
this ain't a funny but now and then I just have to use this forum to speak my piece about something that is just a little "TOO MUCH" if ya know what I mean....
Springer to File Papers for Senate Bid
Jerry Springer, the talk show host who put wife-swappers, strippers and skinheads on the air and then watched the punches fly, will file papers to run for the U.S. Senate as early as Friday, advisers said.
Commentary: Springer says his show was just a TV show and it was not "him". All I got to say is he doesn't hold himself to any higher standard that I can see. I would say his standard is more like "anything for a buck", and I think he smells the lure of real bucks as an unethical senator. The man caused a scandal some years back when he was in office as the mayor of somewhere in Ohio by writing a check to a prostitute. People, do we want this man making decisions about how this country is run? He's not only unethical, but he's STOOPID!
Springer to File Papers for Senate Bid
Jerry Springer, the talk show host who put wife-swappers, strippers and skinheads on the air and then watched the punches fly, will file papers to run for the U.S. Senate as early as Friday, advisers said.
Commentary: Springer says his show was just a TV show and it was not "him". All I got to say is he doesn't hold himself to any higher standard that I can see. I would say his standard is more like "anything for a buck", and I think he smells the lure of real bucks as an unethical senator. The man caused a scandal some years back when he was in office as the mayor of somewhere in Ohio by writing a check to a prostitute. People, do we want this man making decisions about how this country is run? He's not only unethical, but he's STOOPID!
Man Puts Clipped Sensor Tags in Pocket
A would-be thief in Tulsa, Okla., has forgetfulness to blame for his arrest.
Police say the suspect took clothing from a store Tuesday night and removed the sensor tags from them.
But as he was leaving the store, alarms that detect the sensors in the tags went off.
Police say he told store employees he forgot he put the 12 tags in his pants pocket.
A would-be thief in Tulsa, Okla., has forgetfulness to blame for his arrest.
Police say the suspect took clothing from a store Tuesday night and removed the sensor tags from them.
But as he was leaving the store, alarms that detect the sensors in the tags went off.
Police say he told store employees he forgot he put the 12 tags in his pants pocket.
Friday, July 11, 2003
Things You should never say to a cop this.... from my 12 year old daughter....
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
John's Pick-up Lines:
Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.
You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.
Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you
wearing a bra?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?
You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself
in your pants.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that
pops up.
I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?
Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.
If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to
introduce myself.
The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the
word.
Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?
The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.
Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it
later on tonight.
I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're
wearing.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.
You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.
Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you
wearing a bra?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?
You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself
in your pants.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that
pops up.
I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?
Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.
If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to
introduce myself.
The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the
word.
Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?
The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.
Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it
later on tonight.
I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're
wearing.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
This one came from KarihyphenAnn..the electric chicklet blogmistress. These don't really rate as funny...I think this ole maddox dude that it came from must have some anger management issues, but there ain't many men who have been around the block a time or two who won't recognize the truth underneath his mad. John, I'm posting this one for you, bud! *LOL*
Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Subject: Evening classes - From Liz...I SAID FROM LIZ, NOT ME! I don't wanna hear about it!
PLEASE READ THE MEN'S AND WOMEN'S CLASSES......
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
==============================================
CLASSES FOR WOMEN
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
STOLEN From the ONION (see the link to them lower left)
I liked this one!
Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month
WOODLAND HILLS, CA–Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season... Now it's time for a meatball sandwich," wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her 'From The Editor' column. "Come on, live a little. Don't be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you." Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."
I liked this one!
Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month
WOODLAND HILLS, CA–Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season... Now it's time for a meatball sandwich," wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her 'From The Editor' column. "Come on, live a little. Don't be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you." Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."
Saturday, July 05, 2003
You May Need A New Doctor If...
During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
The patient before you was a goat.
The local bar association named him "client of the year."
All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series".
Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
The 60 Minutes crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
He has an assistant named Igor.
You can beat him in a game of Operation.
He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
The patient before you was a goat.
The local bar association named him "client of the year."
All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series".
Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
The 60 Minutes crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
He has an assistant named Igor.
You can beat him in a game of Operation.
He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
Someone please tell me how come it is.........?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
Why does our nose run, and our feet smell?
Before I can retaliate, does someone first have to taliate?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage?
Are diskettes actually female disks?
If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become Kitty Litter?
Who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What was the BEST thing before sliced bread?
How come the keyboard doesn't have the "cents" sign?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If two out of five people suffer from migraines, does that mean three people in five enjoy them?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
Why does our nose run, and our feet smell?
Before I can retaliate, does someone first have to taliate?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage?
Are diskettes actually female disks?
If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become Kitty Litter?
Who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What was the BEST thing before sliced bread?
How come the keyboard doesn't have the "cents" sign?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If two out of five people suffer from migraines, does that mean three people in five enjoy them?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Aggie Cowboy Joke
An A&M grad had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in West Texas.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy."Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on....
Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."
An A&M grad had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in West Texas.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy."Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on....
Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."
Friday, July 04, 2003
The Falling Refrigerator Joke
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about new law, promptly asked the man, "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th-floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so
in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that, I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day and it WAS a crime of passion. So he announced, "Ok, sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." Sure thing" , the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on
the balcony of my 26th-floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony
directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the
way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well", the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and
lets the man enter.
A few seconds later a third man comes up to gate. "Tell me about the day you died", said the angel.
Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator.
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about new law, promptly asked the man, "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th-floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so
in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that, I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day and it WAS a crime of passion. So he announced, "Ok, sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." Sure thing" , the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on
the balcony of my 26th-floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony
directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the
way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well", the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and
lets the man enter.
A few seconds later a third man comes up to gate. "Tell me about the day you died", said the angel.
Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
MINT RECALLING TEXAS QUARTERS
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued, "Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.
"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford. The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued, "Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.
"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford. The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
SOME GOLF HUMOR
When I play golf I always hit the ball really good. But it always goes someplace really bad.
When I start out on the first tee, I feel like Tiger Woods. But after nine holes I feel more like Winnie the Pooh.
I think I’ve finally figured the game out: if it goes right, it’s a "slice." If it goes left, it’s a "hook." And if it goes straight, it’s a miracle!
To give you an idea of why my golf shots aren’t hitting the fairway, the other day I went fishing, and on my first cast, I missed the lake.
I know you're supposed to replace your divots—but mine are too heavy to carry back.
My golf game is really improving. Last weekend I played 36 holes and only fell in the lake once.
I played golf yesterday, and I didn't even break par. I did break my three wood, my putter, and a window in a nearby condo.
Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.
Whatever a man does, if there's no woman there to see it, it didn't happen. ask any woman.
(Not sure why this is in here but since it's true I'm leaving it)
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.
When I play golf I always hit the ball really good. But it always goes someplace really bad.
When I start out on the first tee, I feel like Tiger Woods. But after nine holes I feel more like Winnie the Pooh.
I think I’ve finally figured the game out: if it goes right, it’s a "slice." If it goes left, it’s a "hook." And if it goes straight, it’s a miracle!
To give you an idea of why my golf shots aren’t hitting the fairway, the other day I went fishing, and on my first cast, I missed the lake.
I know you're supposed to replace your divots—but mine are too heavy to carry back.
My golf game is really improving. Last weekend I played 36 holes and only fell in the lake once.
I played golf yesterday, and I didn't even break par. I did break my three wood, my putter, and a window in a nearby condo.
Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.
Whatever a man does, if there's no woman there to see it, it didn't happen. ask any woman.
(Not sure why this is in here but since it's true I'm leaving it)
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Rough Day
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of tequila.
The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"
The man replies, "Yeah, I found out that my younger brother is gay!"
The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."
The man downs the shots and leaves.
The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of tequila.
Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."
Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."
The man downs his shots and leaves.
The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of tequila.
Bartender asks the man, "More bad news?"
The man says, "Yeah."
The bartender asks the man, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women??"
The man says, "Yeah, my wife."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of tequila.
The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"
The man replies, "Yeah, I found out that my younger brother is gay!"
The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."
The man downs the shots and leaves.
The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of tequila.
Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."
Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."
The man downs his shots and leaves.
The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of tequila.
Bartender asks the man, "More bad news?"
The man says, "Yeah."
The bartender asks the man, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women??"
The man says, "Yeah, my wife."
It's a Blonde Thang
A professor had this lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting on it would tell a lie, the chair would open up and the person would fall flat on the ground. So in his experimentation a young brunette came in and sat down. The professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in this region, and perhaps even in the whole world!". Immediately after saying that the chair opened up and she landed flat on her butt. She stormed out, at which time a young blonde was invited in to sit. She sat down and was invited to tell about herself.
She began, "I think...", and suddenly the chair opened up and she fell flat on her butt!
A professor had this lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting on it would tell a lie, the chair would open up and the person would fall flat on the ground. So in his experimentation a young brunette came in and sat down. The professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in this region, and perhaps even in the whole world!". Immediately after saying that the chair opened up and she landed flat on her butt. She stormed out, at which time a young blonde was invited in to sit. She sat down and was invited to tell about herself.
She began, "I think...", and suddenly the chair opened up and she fell flat on her butt!
Never Argue With A Child
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Lifesavers........from Veronica
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders,
using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of
lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color
and
flavor.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them
for
a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he
said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes
call
your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: Oh My
God!!!! They're assholes!"
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders,
using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of
lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color
and
flavor.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them
for
a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he
said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes
call
your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: Oh My
God!!!! They're assholes!"
