Saturday, August 30, 2003
NO PLACE LIKE HOME
...fron MargaretApplies to each person as they enter Texas. Learn 'em & remember 'em.
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup
truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get
dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They
smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40, I-20 and I-10
go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car? We're impressed. We have
quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try
to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL
shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your
ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi &caviar? It's
available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of
age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante
Sauce.
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know
how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks,
and a heap more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards - it spooks
the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech. They come outta there with an education plus
a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when
they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Marines, and Air Force than any
other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, it will get your butt
whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: "Texas
can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it
without Texas."
GOD BLESS TEXAS!
Sunday, August 24, 2003
BITCHY BUMPER STICKERS!
Actual bumper stickers found on cars and trucks!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?
It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It' s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.
[Seen On The Back Of A Biker'sVest].
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.
Fight Crime --- Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen upside Down, On AJeep] Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge.
[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabbathe Hut?
Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Cat --- The Other White Meat.
Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
Actual bumper stickers found on cars and trucks!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?
It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It' s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.
[Seen On The Back Of A Biker'sVest].
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.
Fight Crime --- Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen upside Down, On AJeep] Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge.
[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabbathe Hut?
Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Cat --- The Other White Meat.
Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when this attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes out again.
Marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? ... this Is a beauty .)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when this attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes out again.
Marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? ... this Is a beauty .)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Another Aggie Joke
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from UT, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student.
" And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Texas Tech.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from A&M,
"how about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from UT, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student.
" And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Texas Tech.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from A&M,
"how about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
AGGIE JOKE TIME
Aggie student to the eye doctor: "Whenever I
drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
Doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon
from the cup before drinking."
Aggie student to the eye doctor: "Whenever I
drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
Doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon
from the cup before drinking."
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
You know you've had too much coffee when...
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
* Instant coffee takes too long
* You chew on other people's fingernails
* You answer the door, before people knock
* You sleep with your eyes open
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore
* You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even
work there
* You help your dog chase its tail
* You lick your coffeepot clean
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!
Signs You've Got a Really Bad Hangover
1. You'd rather have a pencil poked in your eye than be exposed to
sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell
your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as
chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with
your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the
more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step
right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles
around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
2 terrorists
Two terrorists are chatting.
One of them has his wallet
out and is flipping through
pictures. "Yeah, this is my
oldest. He's a martyr.
Here's my second son.
He's a martyr, too."
...There's a pause...
The second terrorist says,
wistfully, "Ah, they blow up
so fast, don't they?"
Two terrorists are chatting.
One of them has his wallet
out and is flipping through
pictures. "Yeah, this is my
oldest. He's a martyr.
Here's my second son.
He's a martyr, too."
...There's a pause...
The second terrorist says,
wistfully, "Ah, they blow up
so fast, don't they?"
Yet another Aggie Joke
Did you hear about the Aggie who asked his friends to give him all their burnt out light bulbs?
He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.
Did you hear about the Aggie who asked his friends to give him all their burnt out light bulbs?
He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.
Q: What's the difference between a newspaper and a TV?
A: Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
Monday, August 18, 2003
Don't come knockin
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on the ass...then things get worse.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on the ass...then things get worse.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
I Shall Seek
I shall seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and control you . . .
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you grunt and groan . . .
I will make you beg for mercy . . .
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave . . .
And you will be weak for days . . .
All my love . . .
The Flu
I shall seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and control you . . .
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you grunt and groan . . .
I will make you beg for mercy . . .
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave . . .
And you will be weak for days . . .
All my love . . .
The Flu
Some new Iraqi towns.
1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisbad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
Thoughts
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisbad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
Thoughts
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when this attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes out again.
Marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? ... this Is a beauty .)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when this attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes out again.
Marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? ... this Is a beauty .)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
BITCHY BUMPER STICKERS!
Actual bumper stickers found on cars and trucks!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?
It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It' s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.
[Seen On The Back Of A Biker'sVest].
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.
Fight Crime --- Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen upside Down, On AJeep] Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge.
[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabbathe Hut?
Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Cat --- The Other White Meat.
Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
Actual bumper stickers found on cars and trucks!
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?
It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It' s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.
[Seen On The Back Of A Biker'sVest].
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.
Fight Crime --- Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen upside Down, On AJeep] Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge.
[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabbathe Hut?
Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Cat --- The Other White Meat.
Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
Damn women drivers
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers ! !
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers ! !
"Heaven or Hell - - Your Choice" - -
While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator. and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."
She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
..
. . . . . today you voted for us."
While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator. and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."
She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
..
. . . . . today you voted for us."
New Drugs For Women
D A M I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. M A M A' S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D U M E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N - Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person...can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R A G A M E T - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing
D A M I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. M A M A' S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D U M E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N - Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person...can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R A G A M E T - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
The Little Old Dairywoman from Pete......
A little old lady had worked in and around dairy farms since she was a young girl. Years of hard work and little to show for it.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best advertising slogan, a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she thought, I know all about milk and dairy farms, I can do this!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it.
Her entry read:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, No shit to haul,
No buckets to wash, No hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!
A little old lady had worked in and around dairy farms since she was a young girl. Years of hard work and little to show for it.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best advertising slogan, a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she thought, I know all about milk and dairy farms, I can do this!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it.
Her entry read:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, No shit to haul,
No buckets to wash, No hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!
Saturday, August 09, 2003
Questions to ponder
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word were misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?
Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word were misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?
Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Another aggie Joke
Two Aggies were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing
about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and
forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one Aggie asked the manager, "Before we order,
could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
Two Aggies were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing
about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and
forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one Aggie asked the manager, "Before we order,
could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
WORD COUNT
Pythagorean theorem : 24 Words
The Lord's Prayer : 66 Words
Archimedes' Principle : 67 Words
The 10 Commandments : 179 Words
The Gettysburg Address : 286 Words
The Declaration of Independence : 1,300 Words
The U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage : 26,911 Words
Pythagorean theorem : 24 Words
The Lord's Prayer : 66 Words
Archimedes' Principle : 67 Words
The 10 Commandments : 179 Words
The Gettysburg Address : 286 Words
The Declaration of Independence : 1,300 Words
The U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage : 26,911 Words
thoughts on life
There are three proven rules for good teeth; brush after each meal; see your dentist twice a year and mind your own business. - Henry Boye
We hide all our valuables in the bathroom, with three teen-agers in the family, there is no way a burglar is going to get in there!.
Raising children teaches you many things, most of which come too late to do you any good.
The average woman likes a strong, silent man because she thinks he's listening.
When it comes to blessings in disguise, it's pretty hard to beat a poor credit rating.
A politician is a person who divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
There are three proven rules for good teeth; brush after each meal; see your dentist twice a year and mind your own business. - Henry Boye
We hide all our valuables in the bathroom, with three teen-agers in the family, there is no way a burglar is going to get in there!.
Raising children teaches you many things, most of which come too late to do you any good.
The average woman likes a strong, silent man because she thinks he's listening.
When it comes to blessings in disguise, it's pretty hard to beat a poor credit rating.
A politician is a person who divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
U.S. National - AP
Nursing Driver Innocent of Endangerment
By M.R. KROPKO, Associated Press Writer
RAVENNA, Ohio - A woman who nursed her infant while driving 65 mph on the Ohio Turnpike was found innocent Friday of child endangerment but convicted of three other charges.
People, I am in favor of breastfeeding, but pull over fer chrissakes! I can only hope one of the charges she was convicted of was criminal stupidity.
Nursing Driver Innocent of Endangerment
By M.R. KROPKO, Associated Press Writer
RAVENNA, Ohio - A woman who nursed her infant while driving 65 mph on the Ohio Turnpike was found innocent Friday of child endangerment but convicted of three other charges.
People, I am in favor of breastfeeding, but pull over fer chrissakes! I can only hope one of the charges she was convicted of was criminal stupidity.
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Guy Selection Criteria.......from Pete
A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying "this is from the gentleman over there". She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testa Rosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying "this is from the gentleman over there". She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testa Rosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
Gripe Sheets
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, (This isn't true...I'm a pilot...they are called Bitch Tickets) which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, (This isn't true...I'm a pilot...they are called Bitch Tickets) which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
