Wednesday, September 24, 2003
A George Burns classic...from John P.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll
give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
---George Burns
Smooth Operators
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that
the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know", he
replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started".
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented: "I can't stand
it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently
tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said, smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll
give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
---George Burns
Smooth Operators
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that
the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know", he
replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started".
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented: "I can't stand
it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently
tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said, smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
Timing is Everything....from John P.
A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial
features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where
she is at in her menstrual cycle. For example: If a woman is ovulating,
she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is
menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man
with scissors jammed in his temple and a bat shoved up his ass while
he is on fire.
A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial
features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where
she is at in her menstrual cycle. For example: If a woman is ovulating,
she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is
menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man
with scissors jammed in his temple and a bat shoved up his ass while
he is on fire.
Highway to Hawaii....from Pete N.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded, and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish." The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said,
"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it will take! It will nearly exhaust the natural resources.
It is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she's silent. Why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy.
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge? "
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded, and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish." The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said,
"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it will take! It will nearly exhaust the natural resources.
It is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she's silent. Why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy.
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge? "
Another Blonde Joke...From Liz (who is a blonde)
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman
read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably
meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The
blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No,just up to my boobs; I can splash it in my eyes
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman
read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably
meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The
blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No,just up to my boobs; I can splash it in my eyes
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS? From John P.
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result
of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Subject: 6th Grade Science.......
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and addressed the class. "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and replied, "The
body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."
She turned to Mary. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to
say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result
of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Subject: 6th Grade Science.......
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and addressed the class. "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and replied, "The
body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."
She turned to Mary. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to
say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Can You Read this?...from Liz and Cari-Ann (a double)
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Thursday, September 11, 2003
Little Known Facts ( that maybe should stay that way)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "ethological" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "ethological" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after
heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after
heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
More of Johns Collection of Words To Live By
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her Jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.....Twice
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and beer
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her Jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.....Twice
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and beer
Random Thoughts! from John P.
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I said,
"Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up
fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I have my own little world. But, it's OK..they know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh** head's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
14. How come the Americans choose from just two people to run for
President and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I said,
"Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up
fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I have my own little world. But, it's OK..they know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh** head's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
14. How come the Americans choose from just two people to run for
President and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
An Assortment from Kari-Ann
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew
what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.. He sat quietly, pondering this very
profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed
and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to
crossing the Delaware "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say
everything twice."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted tome; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Great Truths About Life:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have found inner peace; here's how you can, too. I read an article
that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish everything you
start. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a
bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better
already.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." "Really,"
answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew
what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.. He sat quietly, pondering this very
profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed
and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to
crossing the Delaware "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say
everything twice."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted tome; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Great Truths About Life:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have found inner peace; here's how you can, too. I read an article
that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish everything you
start. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a
bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better
already.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." "Really,"
answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.
Friday, September 05, 2003
Sometimes you just never know how multifunctional a drug can be!!!!!!
A bloke falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The
nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
A bloke falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The
nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Thursday, September 04, 2003
The Parrot...From LIz
A WOMAN WENT TO A PET SHOP AND IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED A LARGE BEAUTIFUL PARROT. THERE WAS A SIGN ON THE CAGE THAT SAID $50.00. WHY "SO LITTLE," SHE ASKED THE PET STORE OWNER. THE OWNER LOOKED AT HER AND SAID," LOOK, I SHOULD TELL YOU FIRST THAT THIS BIRD USED TO LIVE IN A HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION, AND SOMETIMES IT SAYS SOME PRETTY VULGAR STUFF." THE WOMAN THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, BUT DECIDED SHE HAD TO HAVE THE BIRD ANYWAY. SHE TOOK IT HOME AND HUNG THE BIRD'S CAGE UP IN HER LIVING ROOM AND WAITED FOR IT TO SAY SOMETHING.
THE BIRD LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM, THEN AT HER, AND SAID," NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAM." THE WOMAN WAS A BIT SHOCKED AT THE IMPLICATION, BUT THEN THOUGHT "THAT'S NOT SO BAD."
WHEN HER TWO TEENAGE DAUGHTERS RETURNED FROM SCHOOL THE BIRD SAW THEM AND SAID,"NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAM, NEW GIRLS." THE GIRLS AND THE WOMAN WERE A BIT OFFENDED BUT THEN BEGAN TO LAUGH ABOUT THE SITUATION.
MOMENT'S LATER, THE WOMAN'S HUSBAND, KEITH, CAME HOME FROM WORK. THE BIRD LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID," HI KEITH."
A WOMAN WENT TO A PET SHOP AND IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED A LARGE BEAUTIFUL PARROT. THERE WAS A SIGN ON THE CAGE THAT SAID $50.00. WHY "SO LITTLE," SHE ASKED THE PET STORE OWNER. THE OWNER LOOKED AT HER AND SAID," LOOK, I SHOULD TELL YOU FIRST THAT THIS BIRD USED TO LIVE IN A HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION, AND SOMETIMES IT SAYS SOME PRETTY VULGAR STUFF." THE WOMAN THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, BUT DECIDED SHE HAD TO HAVE THE BIRD ANYWAY. SHE TOOK IT HOME AND HUNG THE BIRD'S CAGE UP IN HER LIVING ROOM AND WAITED FOR IT TO SAY SOMETHING.
THE BIRD LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM, THEN AT HER, AND SAID," NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAM." THE WOMAN WAS A BIT SHOCKED AT THE IMPLICATION, BUT THEN THOUGHT "THAT'S NOT SO BAD."
WHEN HER TWO TEENAGE DAUGHTERS RETURNED FROM SCHOOL THE BIRD SAW THEM AND SAID,"NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAM, NEW GIRLS." THE GIRLS AND THE WOMAN WERE A BIT OFFENDED BUT THEN BEGAN TO LAUGH ABOUT THE SITUATION.
MOMENT'S LATER, THE WOMAN'S HUSBAND, KEITH, CAME HOME FROM WORK. THE BIRD LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID," HI KEITH."
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
The U.S.S. Constitution...From Pete
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.
This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea.
She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).
However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.
" Her mission:"To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November.
She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she
defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland.
Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.
Then she headed home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.
GO NAVY!
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.
This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea.
She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).
However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.
" Her mission:"To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November.
She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she
defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland.
Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.
Then she headed home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.
GO NAVY!
Mexican Justice ...from Liz
These three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from the Baylor Schoolof Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on thebehalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens, sothey figure God must not want this woman to die, and they let her go.
The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Texas Tech University School of Law and I believe in thepower of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. " They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. They figure that the law is on thiswoman's side, so they let her go.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect those two wires right there."
These three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from the Baylor Schoolof Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on thebehalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens, sothey figure God must not want this woman to die, and they let her go.
The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Texas Tech University School of Law and I believe in thepower of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. " They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. They figure that the law is on thiswoman's side, so they let her go.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect those two wires right there."
Don't make me do what I done in Texas........From Liz
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So, when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
The cowboy went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he said angrily.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS ... AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!" he yelled.
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So, when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
The cowboy went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he said angrily.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS ... AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!" he yelled.
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
The Junior Firefighter...from Pete
A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look,"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks", the girl says.The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles."Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot aster."The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says....."You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren, would I?!"
A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look,"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks", the girl says.The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles."Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot aster."The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says....."You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren, would I?!"
Texas Blessing..From Liz
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry. Please keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine, while ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where scorpions pass the fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, in Texas, Lord, you've put them all!! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS in JULY WHEN......From Liz
~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.
~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.
~ You can make sun tea instantly.
~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
~ You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
~ The cows are giving evaporated milk
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry. Please keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine, while ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where scorpions pass the fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, in Texas, Lord, you've put them all!! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS in JULY WHEN......From Liz
~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.
~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.
~ You can make sun tea instantly.
~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
~ You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
~ The cows are giving evaporated milk
The Pharmacy...from Pete
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him
that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him withthe highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. So I was
wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it
at length and the absolute best we can do is , 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month
living expenses!"
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him
that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him withthe highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. So I was
wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it
at length and the absolute best we can do is , 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month
living expenses!"
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Oh yeah...you can mail me at elmer_enloe@yahoo.com if you ever wanna send me some funnies....I collect funny pictures too..just haven't made a webside for them yet.
This one is on my other page too...and in case any of you read this and that page as well, well suffer thru it again.
Dangerous foods?...from Cherie
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago."
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said,
"Wedding Cake"
Dangerous foods?...from Cherie
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago."
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said,
"Wedding Cake"
