Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Kitchen Signs
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is
delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives
12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is
delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives
12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
More Texas Humor
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston!"
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Ain't he the guy who ran for help?"
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston!"
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Ain't he the guy who ran for help?"
RULES THAT GUYS WISH THAT WOMEN KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster
trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your
Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you
do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed
makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter
us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster
trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your
Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you
do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed
makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter
us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
I stole this but it's a good time of year to read it so READ IT.
Best New Year's resolution? A 'stop doing' list
From Op/Ed - USATODAY.com - By Jim Collins
Each time the New Year rolls around and I sit down to do my annual resolutions, I reflect back to a lesson taught me by a remarkable teacher. In my mid-20s, I took a course on creativity and innovation from Rochelle Myers and Michael Ray at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, and I kept in touch with them after I graduated.
One day, Rochelle pointed to my ferocious work pace and said, "I notice, Jim, that you are a rather undisciplined person."
I was stunned and confused. After all, I was the type of person who carefully laid out my BHAGs (big hairy audacious goals), top three objectives and priority activities at the start of each New Year. I prided myself on the ability to work relentlessly toward those objectives, applying the energy I'd inherited from my prairie-stock grandmother.
"Your genetic energy level enables your lack of discipline," Rochelle continued. "Instead of leading a disciplined life, you lead a busy life."
She then gave me what I came to call the 20-10 assignment. It goes like this: Suppose you woke up tomorrow and received two phone calls. The first phone call tells you that you have inherited $20 million, no strings attached. The second tells you that you have an incurable and terminal disease, and you have no more than 10 years to live. What would you do differently, and, in particular, what would you stop doing?
That assignment became a turning point in my life, and the "stop doing" list became an enduring cornerstone of my annual New Year resolutions - a mechanism for disciplined thought about how to allocate the most precious of all resources: time.
Rochelle's challenge forced me to see that I'd been plenty energetic, but on the wrong things. Indeed, I was on entirely the wrong path. After graduate school, I'd taken a job at Hewlett-Packard. I loved the company, but hated the job. Rochelle's assignment helped me to see I was cut out to be a professor, a researcher, a teacher - not a businessman - and I needed to make a right-angle turn. I had to stop doing my career, so that I could find my real work. I quit HP, migrated to the Stanford Business School faculty and eventually became - with some remarkable good luck along the way - a self-employed professor, happily toiling away on my research and writing.
Rochelle's lesson came back to me a number of years later while puzzling over the research data on 11 companies that turned themselves from mediocrity to excellence, from good to great. In cataloguing the key steps that ignited the transformations, my research team and I were struck by how many of the big decisions were not what to do, but what to stop doing.
In perhaps the most famous case, Darwin Smith of Kimberly-Clark - a man who had prevailed over throat cancer - said one day to his wife: "I learned something from my cancer. If you have a cancer in your arm, you've got to have the guts to cut off your own arm. I've made a decision: We're going to sell the mills."
At the time, Kimberly-Clark had the bulk of its revenues in the traditional paper business. But Smith began asking three important questions: Are we passionate about the paper business? Can we be the best in the world at it? Does the paper business best drive our economic engine?
The answers came up: no, no and no.
And so, Smith made the decision to stop doing the paper business - to sell off 100 years of corporate history - and throw all the resulting resources into the consumer business (building brands such as Kleenex), which came up yes, yes and yes to the same questions.
The start of the New Year is a perfect time to start a stop doing list and to make this the cornerstone of your New Year resolutions, be it for your company, your family or yourself. It also is a perfect time to clarify your three circles, mirroring at a personal level the three questions asked by Smith:
1) What are you deeply passionate about?
2) What are you are genetically encoded for - what activities do you feel just "made to do"?
3) What makes economic sense - what can you make a living at?
Those fortunate enough to find or create a practical intersection of the three circles have the basis for a great work life.
Think of the three circles as a personal guidance mechanism. As you navigate the twists and turns of a chaotic world, it acts like a compass. Am I on target? Do I need to adjust left, up, down, right? If you make an inventory of your activities today, what percentage of your time falls outside the three circles?
If it is more than 50%, then the stop doing list might be your most important tool. The question is: Will you accept good as good enough, or do you have the courage to sell the mills?
Looking back, I now see Rochelle Myers as one of the few people I've known to lead a great life, while doing truly great work. This stemmed largely from her remarkable simplicity. A simple home. A simple schedule. A simple frame for her work.
Rochelle spoke to me repeatedly about the idea of "making your life a creative work of art." A great piece of art is composed not just of what is in the final piece, but equally important, what is not. It is the discipline to discard what does not fit - to cut out what might have already cost days or even years of effort - that distinguishes the truly exceptional artist and marks the ideal piece of work, be it a symphony, a novel, a painting, a company or, most important of all, a life.
Jim Collins is author of Good to Great and co-author of Built to Last.
Best New Year's resolution? A 'stop doing' list
From Op/Ed - USATODAY.com - By Jim Collins
Each time the New Year rolls around and I sit down to do my annual resolutions, I reflect back to a lesson taught me by a remarkable teacher. In my mid-20s, I took a course on creativity and innovation from Rochelle Myers and Michael Ray at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, and I kept in touch with them after I graduated.
One day, Rochelle pointed to my ferocious work pace and said, "I notice, Jim, that you are a rather undisciplined person."
I was stunned and confused. After all, I was the type of person who carefully laid out my BHAGs (big hairy audacious goals), top three objectives and priority activities at the start of each New Year. I prided myself on the ability to work relentlessly toward those objectives, applying the energy I'd inherited from my prairie-stock grandmother.
"Your genetic energy level enables your lack of discipline," Rochelle continued. "Instead of leading a disciplined life, you lead a busy life."
She then gave me what I came to call the 20-10 assignment. It goes like this: Suppose you woke up tomorrow and received two phone calls. The first phone call tells you that you have inherited $20 million, no strings attached. The second tells you that you have an incurable and terminal disease, and you have no more than 10 years to live. What would you do differently, and, in particular, what would you stop doing?
That assignment became a turning point in my life, and the "stop doing" list became an enduring cornerstone of my annual New Year resolutions - a mechanism for disciplined thought about how to allocate the most precious of all resources: time.
Rochelle's challenge forced me to see that I'd been plenty energetic, but on the wrong things. Indeed, I was on entirely the wrong path. After graduate school, I'd taken a job at Hewlett-Packard. I loved the company, but hated the job. Rochelle's assignment helped me to see I was cut out to be a professor, a researcher, a teacher - not a businessman - and I needed to make a right-angle turn. I had to stop doing my career, so that I could find my real work. I quit HP, migrated to the Stanford Business School faculty and eventually became - with some remarkable good luck along the way - a self-employed professor, happily toiling away on my research and writing.
Rochelle's lesson came back to me a number of years later while puzzling over the research data on 11 companies that turned themselves from mediocrity to excellence, from good to great. In cataloguing the key steps that ignited the transformations, my research team and I were struck by how many of the big decisions were not what to do, but what to stop doing.
In perhaps the most famous case, Darwin Smith of Kimberly-Clark - a man who had prevailed over throat cancer - said one day to his wife: "I learned something from my cancer. If you have a cancer in your arm, you've got to have the guts to cut off your own arm. I've made a decision: We're going to sell the mills."
At the time, Kimberly-Clark had the bulk of its revenues in the traditional paper business. But Smith began asking three important questions: Are we passionate about the paper business? Can we be the best in the world at it? Does the paper business best drive our economic engine?
The answers came up: no, no and no.
And so, Smith made the decision to stop doing the paper business - to sell off 100 years of corporate history - and throw all the resulting resources into the consumer business (building brands such as Kleenex), which came up yes, yes and yes to the same questions.
The start of the New Year is a perfect time to start a stop doing list and to make this the cornerstone of your New Year resolutions, be it for your company, your family or yourself. It also is a perfect time to clarify your three circles, mirroring at a personal level the three questions asked by Smith:
1) What are you deeply passionate about?
2) What are you are genetically encoded for - what activities do you feel just "made to do"?
3) What makes economic sense - what can you make a living at?
Those fortunate enough to find or create a practical intersection of the three circles have the basis for a great work life.
Think of the three circles as a personal guidance mechanism. As you navigate the twists and turns of a chaotic world, it acts like a compass. Am I on target? Do I need to adjust left, up, down, right? If you make an inventory of your activities today, what percentage of your time falls outside the three circles?
If it is more than 50%, then the stop doing list might be your most important tool. The question is: Will you accept good as good enough, or do you have the courage to sell the mills?
Looking back, I now see Rochelle Myers as one of the few people I've known to lead a great life, while doing truly great work. This stemmed largely from her remarkable simplicity. A simple home. A simple schedule. A simple frame for her work.
Rochelle spoke to me repeatedly about the idea of "making your life a creative work of art." A great piece of art is composed not just of what is in the final piece, but equally important, what is not. It is the discipline to discard what does not fit - to cut out what might have already cost days or even years of effort - that distinguishes the truly exceptional artist and marks the ideal piece of work, be it a symphony, a novel, a painting, a company or, most important of all, a life.
Jim Collins is author of Good to Great and co-author of Built to Last.
Monday, December 29, 2003
Not bad?
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and
gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks
one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on
the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his head and
the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness,"
says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor
little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you
caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun.
I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you,
I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and
walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says,
"Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did
catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll
give him the three things that I would want. I'll
give him unlimited money, a great golf game,
and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes
like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the
same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits
one into the same woods and goes off looking for
his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same
little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask
how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every
time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And
might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put
my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar
bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you.
And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Once or
twice a week?!?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says,
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and
gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks
one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on
the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his head and
the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness,"
says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor
little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you
caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun.
I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you,
I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and
walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says,
"Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did
catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll
give him the three things that I would want. I'll
give him unlimited money, a great golf game,
and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes
like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the
same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits
one into the same woods and goes off looking for
his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same
little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask
how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every
time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And
might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put
my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar
bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you.
And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Once or
twice a week?!?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says,
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish."
Chili
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the
time the rodeo comes to town (or whenever people get bored at work).
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy Cow, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting to drunk from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is
starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really upsets me that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself
hen I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that crazy Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili.
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the
time the rodeo comes to town (or whenever people get bored at work).
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy Cow, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting to drunk from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is
starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really upsets me that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself
hen I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that crazy Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili.
True Wisdom
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that
in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord
will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom,
or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by
a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that
in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord
will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom,
or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by
a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
"New Barbies"
At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with
her (and population?) aging gracefully. These are a bit more
realistic...
* Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and
large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
* Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe
her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft
terry mules.
* No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip
lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line
of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
* Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white,
and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
* Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor
ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata
and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real
tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
* Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's
car, and Ken's boat.
* Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance
steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with
her (and population?) aging gracefully. These are a bit more
realistic...
* Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and
large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
* Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe
her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft
terry mules.
* No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip
lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line
of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
* Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white,
and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
* Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor
ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata
and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real
tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
* Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's
car, and Ken's boat.
* Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance
steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
Tired of all of those mushy Friendship letters that bounce around the Internet because everyone has to send them to 10 friends within 10 seconds or suffer a fate worse than death? Well, here's a friendship poem that tells it like it really is.
Friendship Poem
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will
help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you
sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is
choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it
every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to
explain.
7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're
well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy
ass.
This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!
Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed
because you can only think of two, and one of them is not
speaking to you right now anyway.
Friendship Poem
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will
help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you
sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is
choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it
every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to
explain.
7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're
well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy
ass.
This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!
Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed
because you can only think of two, and one of them is not
speaking to you right now anyway.
What was that called, again?
Two Hillbillies from TENNESSEE walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer.
They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the Hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swalla?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The Hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a
circular motion.
The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick" maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Two Hillbillies from TENNESSEE walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer.
They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the Hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swalla?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The Hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a
circular motion.
The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick" maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Friday, December 26, 2003
Okay...so it's late...I was busy...
I bet it works just as well for New Year's
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try
another cup ..just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix
on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
I bet it works just as well for New Year's
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try
another cup ..just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix
on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
Sunday, December 21, 2003
A Visit To The Rodeo:
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of
breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
that said, 'This bull mated 50 times last year.' The wife poked her
husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that
said, 'This bull mated 120 times last year.' The wife hit her husband
and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from
him.'
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
'This bull mated 365 times last year.' The wife got really excited
and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from
this one.'
The husband looked at her and said, 'Go up and ask him if it was with
the same old cow.'
The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and
he should make a full recovery."
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of
breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
that said, 'This bull mated 50 times last year.' The wife poked her
husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that
said, 'This bull mated 120 times last year.' The wife hit her husband
and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from
him.'
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
'This bull mated 365 times last year.' The wife got really excited
and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from
this one.'
The husband looked at her and said, 'Go up and ask him if it was with
the same old cow.'
The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and
he should make a full recovery."
Friday, December 19, 2003
A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest.
These are actual quotes from managers out there:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)
"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business."
"Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people."
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
These are actual quotes from managers out there:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)
"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business."
"Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people."
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of Modern Life
* You try to enter your password on the microwave.
* You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
* You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
* Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
And, last but not least.......
* You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
* You try to enter your password on the microwave.
* You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
* You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
* Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
And, last but not least.......
* You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The
father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it
is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old
woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The
father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it
is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old
woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
It's always difficult to bring sad news, but thought you should know...
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.
Thoughts on Life and the Office
Blamestorming -- Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant -- An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm -- An office filled with cubicles.
404 -- Someone who's clueless "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Keyboard Plaque -- The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond -- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Prairie Dogging -- When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs -- What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Starter Marriage -- A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Swiped Out -- An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists -- People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware -- Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Going Postal -- Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. (Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.)
Alpha Geek -- The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Assmosis -- The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Beepilepsy -- The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
Crapplet -- A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Dancing Baloney -- Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
Generica -- Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.
Irritainment -- Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Midair Passenger Exchange -- Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."
PEBCAK -- Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T - "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
Percussive Maintenance -- The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Seagull Manager -- A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Uninstalled -- Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch -- The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Blamestorming -- Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant -- An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm -- An office filled with cubicles.
404 -- Someone who's clueless "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Keyboard Plaque -- The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond -- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Prairie Dogging -- When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs -- What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Starter Marriage -- A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Swiped Out -- An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists -- People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware -- Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Going Postal -- Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. (Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.)
Alpha Geek -- The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Assmosis -- The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Beepilepsy -- The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
Crapplet -- A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Dancing Baloney -- Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
Generica -- Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.
Irritainment -- Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Midair Passenger Exchange -- Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."
PEBCAK -- Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T - "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
Percussive Maintenance -- The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Seagull Manager -- A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Uninstalled -- Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch -- The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
This has made the rounds before but it's too good to pass up....
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas (national airlines of Australia)
is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas (national airlines of Australia)
is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Respectable People
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
Scroll Down \/
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that
perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep
the rest of us in line.
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
Scroll Down \/
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that
perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep
the rest of us in line.
On Growing Older
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.
Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.
Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
More Excerpts From Personal Ads That Make You Wonder
Women
like to get along with others unless they hate me
I like to have quite times
I don't go out with men
I have a very loud voice
often I have flown by the seat of my panties
I THINK I have a daughter away at collage
MEN
she shoould be emotional as well as mental
"I am a very nice looking guy, but am not conceded."
Women
like to get along with others unless they hate me
I like to have quite times
I don't go out with men
I have a very loud voice
often I have flown by the seat of my panties
I THINK I have a daughter away at collage
MEN
she shoould be emotional as well as mental
"I am a very nice looking guy, but am not conceded."
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the
bright side, it's really good pay!
My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat... When I looked at the
tire I noticed your cat! SORRY!
Heard your hubby left you, how upset you must be, but don't fret about
it... He moved in with me!
Looking back at the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder... What the hell was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you... I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life... I never believed in
HELL until I met you!
As the days go by I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to
ruin it for me!
Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go... would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again!
Someday I hope to get married... But not to you!
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost lifelike!
When we were together you said you'd die for me... Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time... What say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you... It's almost like you're here!
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! Did you ever find out who
the father is?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (available only in Arkansas, Tennessee,
Kentucky, and West Virginia)
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the
bright side, it's really good pay!
My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat... When I looked at the
tire I noticed your cat! SORRY!
Heard your hubby left you, how upset you must be, but don't fret about
it... He moved in with me!
Looking back at the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder... What the hell was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you... I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life... I never believed in
HELL until I met you!
As the days go by I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to
ruin it for me!
Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go... would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again!
Someday I hope to get married... But not to you!
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost lifelike!
When we were together you said you'd die for me... Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time... What say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you... It's almost like you're here!
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! Did you ever find out who
the father is?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (available only in Arkansas, Tennessee,
Kentucky, and West Virginia)
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Excerpts From Actual Personal Ads.
The WOMEN
until I find someone as good to me as my ex, will stay single...
Happy, independant woman who lacks that extra spice of life, a good man to share life with. I teach High School Secial Education and love my job
first time to post add online hope not to encounter any unpleasent encounters online
BEING TRUSTWORTHY & MONOGAMOUS ARE THE ATTRIBUTES YOU NEED TO MAKE ME A HAPPY LADY.
I am a somewhat shy person, who loves to have fun, once I get to know someone
It is just fancy words to collecting opinions on products or services basically!
I like to laugh
I like to laugh
AND WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER I FALL WHOLE HEARTLY
im a out spoken person. that dont like games or lies
I AM A FUN LOVING PERSON I DONT LIKE BEING SAD
i enjoy quite nights at home with that special someone.
I like traveling and dinning in and dinning out
and I love to laugh
No jelous men for me non controlling, not a jelous man, fun and can except a woman for what they are not what they can change her into.
I have always wanted a Great Dane.
I love to have fun an laugh
...who can be there self around me.
I just moved to Azle, Texas with my husband and his family and .....
I like to laugh
Greetings Earthlings!
I am 4"10, and I am very into weather
I love to laugh and have fun.
I enjoy the rugid outdoors
i'm a very passitive person.
I have a very good since of humor,
I've been walked and done wrong too many times
I am laid back,but love to laugh
I just want to have fun. My last "boytoy" just wanted to commit. BORING!
if its for one night just let me know.
Must have a nice car.
My friends tell me i'm weird
I peirced my own nose
I am very sarcastic ...
The GUYS
I'm very spontanious and like to do things that aren't planned in advanced
AM A GOOD MAN AND COWBOY DADDY
am a nice guy and i like be somethag to someone
I like to make a ladey fill like a ladey.
I like to do lots of things
I've done a million of these matchmaking things because I have basically no friends right now
I love dogs, and people who like to laugh.
I consider myself a little extreme at times and defientely eccentric and opinionated.
Fun loving type of guy, who enjpoys life and having fun...
Ill do most anything ...
I'm searching for someone who is good with super glue.
This just gets tuffer an tuffer
well dont now what to say
I am what many women are looking for
i have 3 horses 2 dogs enjoy messing with them
Well here is the sales pitch:
the words I put here do not reflect the real me
Yea i know i said soul mate corny huh ?
.I believe their should be some attraction
i work almost all the time even on my days off.
i'm doing the best that can for me
i show respect so i exspect to recieve respect.
i will show the right person how to be loved. ...
im not much on writhing so if you wont to no more ask me
my gole is ta make it their
iam an 30 yr. old country boy that likes to have fun and stay in bed all day
like to shoot pool and animals and kids of all sizes
have numerous tattoos but just like to watch a good movie
I'm short, pale, homely, and have holes in my pockets.
I am a Paranormal Investigator
Must be willing to ride or drive a long way to see nothing
The WOMEN
until I find someone as good to me as my ex, will stay single...
Happy, independant woman who lacks that extra spice of life, a good man to share life with. I teach High School Secial Education and love my job
first time to post add online hope not to encounter any unpleasent encounters online
BEING TRUSTWORTHY & MONOGAMOUS ARE THE ATTRIBUTES YOU NEED TO MAKE ME A HAPPY LADY.
I am a somewhat shy person, who loves to have fun, once I get to know someone
It is just fancy words to collecting opinions on products or services basically!
I like to laugh
I like to laugh
AND WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER I FALL WHOLE HEARTLY
im a out spoken person. that dont like games or lies
I AM A FUN LOVING PERSON I DONT LIKE BEING SAD
i enjoy quite nights at home with that special someone.
I like traveling and dinning in and dinning out
and I love to laugh
No jelous men for me non controlling, not a jelous man, fun and can except a woman for what they are not what they can change her into.
I have always wanted a Great Dane.
I love to have fun an laugh
...who can be there self around me.
I just moved to Azle, Texas with my husband and his family and .....
I like to laugh
Greetings Earthlings!
I am 4"10, and I am very into weather
I love to laugh and have fun.
I enjoy the rugid outdoors
i'm a very passitive person.
I have a very good since of humor,
I've been walked and done wrong too many times
I am laid back,but love to laugh
I just want to have fun. My last "boytoy" just wanted to commit. BORING!
if its for one night just let me know.
Must have a nice car.
My friends tell me i'm weird
I peirced my own nose
I am very sarcastic ...
The GUYS
I'm very spontanious and like to do things that aren't planned in advanced
AM A GOOD MAN AND COWBOY DADDY
am a nice guy and i like be somethag to someone
I like to make a ladey fill like a ladey.
I like to do lots of things
I've done a million of these matchmaking things because I have basically no friends right now
I love dogs, and people who like to laugh.
I consider myself a little extreme at times and defientely eccentric and opinionated.
Fun loving type of guy, who enjpoys life and having fun...
Ill do most anything ...
I'm searching for someone who is good with super glue.
This just gets tuffer an tuffer
well dont now what to say
I am what many women are looking for
i have 3 horses 2 dogs enjoy messing with them
Well here is the sales pitch:
the words I put here do not reflect the real me
Yea i know i said soul mate corny huh ?
.I believe their should be some attraction
i work almost all the time even on my days off.
i'm doing the best that can for me
i show respect so i exspect to recieve respect.
i will show the right person how to be loved. ...
im not much on writhing so if you wont to no more ask me
my gole is ta make it their
iam an 30 yr. old country boy that likes to have fun and stay in bed all day
like to shoot pool and animals and kids of all sizes
have numerous tattoos but just like to watch a good movie
I'm short, pale, homely, and have holes in my pockets.
I am a Paranormal Investigator
Must be willing to ride or drive a long way to see nothing
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
So true.....
Texas Proverb
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
Life is like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today
May burn your ass tomorrow."
Texas Proverb
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
Life is like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today
May burn your ass tomorrow."
Saturday, December 06, 2003
Yahoo! News - Oddly Enough - Reuters:
"Woman Gets 10 Years for McDonald's Mayo Spat
Fri Dec 5, 9:47 AM ET
A Texas woman was sentenced to 10 years in jail for running over the manager of a McDonald's with her car because she wanted mayonnaise on her cheeseburger. "
"Woman Gets 10 Years for McDonald's Mayo Spat
Fri Dec 5, 9:47 AM ET
A Texas woman was sentenced to 10 years in jail for running over the manager of a McDonald's with her car because she wanted mayonnaise on her cheeseburger. "
A Public Service Announcement
Stylist's Hair Catches Fire at Gas Pump
Fri Dec 5,12:50 PM ET Add Strange News - AP to My Yahoo!
ALBANY, Ga. - A hair stylist was pumping gas into her car when her hair burst into flames.
"That scared me to death," said stylist Traci Marshall.
The fire was probably caused by static electricity from Marshall's hair rubbing against her clothes, said her husband, Camilla firefighter Lt. Bill Marshall.
The static electricity apparently mixed with gas fumes and ignited the fire Sunday.
"I started beating my hair to get out the fire and saw flames coming out of the gas tank," she said.
A man with a fire extinguisher put out the blaze.
Traci Marshall had to cut her hair and get her truck repaired.
Bill Marshall advised people to ground themselves before pumping gas by touching the metal of their cars.
"Once you get out of your vehicle, don't get back into the vehicle until you are through," he said.
Officials also remind people to turn off cell phones and pagers when pumping gas because those devices can also spark explosions.
Read the last paragraph so your phone doesn't fry you. I figure this must be true because a tank truck driver once told me the same thing.>
Stylist's Hair Catches Fire at Gas Pump
Fri Dec 5,12:50 PM ET Add Strange News - AP to My Yahoo!
ALBANY, Ga. - A hair stylist was pumping gas into her car when her hair burst into flames.
"That scared me to death," said stylist Traci Marshall.
The fire was probably caused by static electricity from Marshall's hair rubbing against her clothes, said her husband, Camilla firefighter Lt. Bill Marshall.
The static electricity apparently mixed with gas fumes and ignited the fire Sunday.
"I started beating my hair to get out the fire and saw flames coming out of the gas tank," she said.
A man with a fire extinguisher put out the blaze.
Traci Marshall had to cut her hair and get her truck repaired.
Bill Marshall advised people to ground themselves before pumping gas by touching the metal of their cars.
"Once you get out of your vehicle, don't get back into the vehicle until you are through," he said.
Officials also remind people to turn off cell phones and pagers when pumping gas because those devices can also spark explosions.
