You Gotta Laugh

Funny Quotes on Love & Marriage

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory. ~ Abraham Lincoln

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. ~ Alexander Pope

Love - A temporary insanity curable by marriage. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Yawn - Nature's way of letting married men open their mouths ~ Anon

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. ~ Anon

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? ~ Barbara Streisand

It destroys one's nerve to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. ~ Benjamin Franklin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked. ~ Bill Cosby

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first. ~ Billy Sunday

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. ~ Cass Daley

Love - A temporary insanity curable by marriage. ~ Ambrose Bierce

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. ~ Benjamin Franklin

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. ~ David Bissonette

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. ~ Erich Segal

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. ~ Oscar Wilde

A Dying Lawyer

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, and prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages,his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious."what are you doing, honey?" she asked.

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

Another Lawyer Joke

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.”

The Judge said....“You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous ... At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

Romantic Poems That Failed:


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.


Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so were you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head
(Aaah, memories!......this one is dedicated to YOU, dear. Not exactly how I would state things but close enough!)


Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.


I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.


I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.


I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.


My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?


My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".


What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime .

Rescued

Jagu and Mali were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jagu suddenly jumped into the deep
end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mali promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mali's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mali the news he said, "Mali, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.The bad news is, Jagu, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mali replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

What the dead would like to hear

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

REDNECK SEX TEST

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart
Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church
choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False

Let it snow...

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.'

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.'

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again. The radio announcer begins, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
snow today. You must park--,' but then the power goes out.

Norman's wife says, 'Honey, I don't know what to do!'

Norman says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'

From the "Getting Old Is Hell" Series.....

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in.'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

Will?

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"

Lawyer Billing Practices

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125."

Materialistic

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how! materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer. The cop replied. 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'

'Oh my God!' screamed the lawyer. 'My Rolex!'"

Government Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, ?If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first??"

A.W.O.L.

51 yrs ago, Herman James,mountain man from West Virginia, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On his third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him"

Quotes

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen.
I have since been visited by her sister ...
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending;
and have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ...
visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".

~Eleanor Roosevelt

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness,
but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires,
but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water
because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the
fourteenth.
~George Burns

The Passing of a Legend

Captain Kangaroo - Bob Keeshan - died today at age 76

Agents of Devil

One day a young lady came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her Mother - "Mom, Bobby just proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her Mother asked.

"Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe that hell exists!"

Her mother replied, "Honey, marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he really is."

The Snowstorm
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

God's Fruit

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:

"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

If I Had a Million Dollars

An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay on what they would do if they had a million dollars.

Morris handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Morris!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

Never Trust an Old Lady

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Lady: And I just bet the lying bozo told you I was speeding, too.

More Texas Humor

The cowboy walked into the tack shop.
"How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.
"Forty dollars."
The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty.

"I'll take one spur."
"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too

The Preacher and the Cabby

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely, I rate higher than a cabby?”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.”

Bathroom Scales

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. “Listen to these features it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all...”

“Very impressive,” interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, “but before I place an order I'll have to try it out.”

“Be my guest,” said the manufacturer graciously.

No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth, “One at a time, please, one at a time!”

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun!"

MEN

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND .......
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

Editorial Note:
Okay, I'll concede that Mental Illness and Mental Breakdown are exclusively female conditions (and you used MENtal twice - that's cheating), if you will concede that you demonstrated the female trait of changing reality to fit the situation...either that or you can't spell for shit. *LOL*

LAwyer Joke

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

?It ain't so bad,? one crook noted. We got $25 between us.?

The boss screamed, ?I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!?"

My favorite bumpersticker...my kid hates it for some reason.....


Ecology starts at home.
CLEAN YOUR ROOM!

If you have some bandwidth you might wanna click....or not. If you do comments are welcome 'cause I'm testing to see if I can do these internet video clips. J



Clip in Quicktime format


Clip in Real Media Format


Clip In Windows Media Format

A Wife's Prayer:

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And patience for his moods; Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
Amen

Real Classified Ads - Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
(Yeah I know some of these are repeats but some aren't)

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
-------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKERSPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...BETTER BE A REWARD.
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
-------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
-----------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
-------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
--------------------------------------

Getting Lucky...

Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Patty could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ...

One should never press one's luck."

Stress Relief

During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear him down. The chief told the young policeman that whenever he was feeling too tense, he'd go home and make love to his wife for about an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him to return to work with a much better outlook.

The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped.

The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning he'd experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's suggestion, with great success. He felt great.

After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb chops for dinner."

Ever have one of THESE days?

From the ONLY IN TEXAS series....

Golf Lessons

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.

She hacks it 10 feet; goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f---ing lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "Well, you know, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

His grave marker next to the tee box is a reminder for other wise-asses.

Heaven or .....?

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said, “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said, “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him,” replied the lady.

Did you ever wonder?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'Its all right."
It isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

INTERESTING AMERICAN T-SHIRTS

[1] I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.

[2] (ON THE FRONT) 60 IS NOT OLD.
(ON THE BACK) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

[3] I'M STILL HOT. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

[4] AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.

[5] MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

[6] LIFE IS SHORT. . MAKE FUN OF IT.

[7] I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

[8] ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILING PROBLEM.

[9] I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD?

[10] PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

[11] BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.

[12] I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.

[13] IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

[14] EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

[15] KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.

[16] WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

[17] DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

[18] MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

[19] EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE" I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.

[20] CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.

[21] LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

[22] IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.

FEEDING THE BABY

'Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your babies, did Grandpa ever handle the middle of the night feedings?' the young woman asked.

'No, I always did that,' her grandmother replied.

'That must have been before you had women's liberation.'

'No,' Grandma said, 'it was before we had baby bottles.'"

Al-Gebra

As the President Select and his Supreme Court In-Attendance have shown, math is for people who don't understand elections...and they've only just begun...read on:

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,', Ashcroft said. 'They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. 'As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle,' Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes! 'I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding, "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Cowboy Boots and Teacher

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.."

The men in white coats took her away later that day...

Practice what you preach!

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them.

The woman began pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man didn't move. The woman went ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turned yellow.

The woman began to blow the car horn, flipped him off and screamed curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, saw the yellow light and accelerated through the intersection just as the light turned red. The woman was beside herself, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in 'mid-rant' she heard a tap on the window and looked up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman told her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complied, speechless at what was happening.

After she shut off the engine, the policeman ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. She got out of the car and he ordered her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turned, placed her hands on the roof of her car and quickly was cuffed and was hustled into the patrol car. She was too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and was driven to the police station where she was fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door for her. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He handed her a bag containing her things and said, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed that you had stolen someone else's car"

Annapolis Intelligence Test

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. 'What are they doing?' I asked our tour guide.

'Each year,' he replied with a grin, 'The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.'

'So what's the answer?' my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, 'One.'"

Silver Wedding Anniversary

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teen-age daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining-room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was also a note that read:

"Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

Golf Gun

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

More Blonde Humor

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute...""Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Water of the Well

An Afghanistan diplomat descended from royalty visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would dash off like a rocket and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my fresh water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"A white man is sitting on the well."

Math

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.
When time was over she called on a student named Johnny. He said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply."

Types Of Women

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Of every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Another Lawyer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?"" he asked.

You're In the Army

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

You're In the Navy

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his aircraft carrier one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."

Old Couple Dies And Goes To Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health foodand exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed" and "aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This
is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

An Observation About Lawyers

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Dead Seagulls

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

Flying

My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the
radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"
Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

Another Lawyer Joke

Two lawyers, Jon and Chuck, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Chuck a bet. "Let's say we bet $50."
Chuck agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hole, Chuck is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Chuck pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!!!" he announces. Jon looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon said. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Who makes this stuff up?


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go
and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on
the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real
hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Inner Peace

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started.
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before coming to work this morning I finished off a
bottle of
White Merlot, the bottle of Absolut, the Bailey's, the Crown Royal, my
Xanax, the pizza from last night and a box chocolates.

You have NO idea how freakin good I feel!"

North vs. South humor

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super

Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch
as the
three Southerners buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one

of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective
seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close
the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He
knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so
after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and
save some
money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the
return trip,
but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy
any ticket at
all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answer the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a

toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the
way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves
their toilet and
walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The
Southerner knocks on
their door and says, "Ticket please."

(And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!)

Turn Your Sound ON and Go Nuts!


www.nonstop.lv/files/bubblewrap.swf

TOP SECRET

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each
other. "

A Fair Trial

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.
In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.”

It Must Be A Blonde Day

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why aren't blonde's good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump me Dump me.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them means to you until they go
down on you.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading
her nametag)?
A: "Debbie…that's cute!!! What did you name the other one?"


Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that was found frozen to
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Little Zachary's Math

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards,
special learning centers, in short, everything they could think
of to help his math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother
hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started
studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the
room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner,
to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back
to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back
hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some
time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what
made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home
his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to
his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his
Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,

little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold
her curiosity.

She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it
the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day
of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I
knew they weren't fooling around."

A Union Shop

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he arrived at the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a
union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she replied.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until, finally, he reached a brothel where the
madam
said, "Why, yes sir, this is a union house."

The man asked, "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," the madam replied.

The man exclaimed, "That's more like it!"

He handed the madam the $100, looked around the room and pointed
to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam. Then gesturing to an
85-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

If you have teens you will get this one

The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large
bag. “My mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it?”

More Things that make you Go...Hmmm....

1. Can you cry under water?

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
"chunkydunk."

3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a penny
for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
wakeup
like every two hours?

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
Miss
America?

14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in
the first place!

16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't
fallen asleep yet.

18. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

19 Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can in
prison?

20. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started
with something called labor!

21. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Room 302

A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL, SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS
EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE." THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID, "WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?"
SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302." "I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION."
"3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
"I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302."
"JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL
MEALS, HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O'CLOCK."
THE WOMAN SAID," THANK GOD!
THAT'S WONDERFUL" OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC. THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! "
THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!"

"NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING

The Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.
“Great,” Little Johnny replied. “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother. “Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!”

A bunch of Blonde Jokes (Last one is the ultimate blonde joke)

AUTO REPAIR

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She
asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"


EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are
you aware that I
could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH
MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second
blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE
on the other
side."


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A
SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINAL EXAM

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at
the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration,
takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin,
marking the answer sheet:
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done,
whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last
few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and
sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going
on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my
answers."


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your
child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow
at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little
boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she
returned to the
park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is
your money. I
cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

Cat Mind Games

Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or an
axe-murderer.
-
Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the
perfect place to take a nap.
-
Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose.Then walk off
nonchalantly.Repeat as necessary.
-
Play with invisible objects.
-
Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneading any available body
parts.
-
Figure 8 your human's legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking
something you won't get a bite of.
-
Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure you're napping in the
bathroom doorway.
-
Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human's shoes.Then wait to be
praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.
-
If you absolutely have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head,howl at the
top of your lungs, and spew hairballs on the vet.
-
Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.
-
Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.

TWO NUNS AND A BLIND MAN

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of
paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two
nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and
paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is
it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the
other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

LIBERAL or CONSERVATIVE ?

Question?

How do you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and
southerners?

Answer.

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What
do you do?


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the
man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would
inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What
about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy
with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get
away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint
and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a
few days and try to come to a consensus.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Conservative Answer:

BANG!


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips??

Alcohol Warning Labels !

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your ass kicked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye
reel gode.

The Class of 2004


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts
together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of
this year's incoming freshman.
Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the (1st) space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? Wait! There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!". They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old now?

The Meaning of Life?

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty

mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2"
in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled
into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students
again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and
poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything
else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is
your life.The rocks are the important things - your family, your
partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If
you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles
or the rocks.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and
energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things
that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean
the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of
the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

But then................

A student then took the jar which the other students and the
professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.
Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making
the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:
- that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for
BEER

MAYDAY!

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras.
Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit
da cargo equipment an stuff.

Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around and Boudreaux
got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin.

Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da
steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky.
He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day!
Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don
know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry a bout
nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah
gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas
you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da
way to da front of da plane."

No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from
Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many
feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da
airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's
feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe
dis plane related to you airport!"

A long pause ----- de silence was deafanin.

"We needs to know whoo you next of kin.."

America's Team Quiz

This is getting a little dated but it's still funny..

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys & the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game.

Q. What do the Cowboys & Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ"!

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboys player out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Dallas in case of a tornado?
A. Texas Stadium - they never get a touchdown there!

Q. Why doesn't Fort Worth have a professional football team?
A. Because then Dallas would want one.

Q. Why was Dave Campo upset when the Cowboys playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar
bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super
Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys.

Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. How can you tell when the Dallas Cowboys are going to run the
football?
A. Emmett leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

Top Ten Reasons to go to work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human
Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked : Your
boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever
again.

How to decipher what Mike Tyson says:

As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school
and finish grade 5. This is Mike's Ebonics homework assignment. He
must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man,
somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment
they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said
penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake."
He say, "Bullshit, that watch Israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took
me to the pool hall.

11. Iraq - When we got the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you
break."

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped my and I axed her, "Do you plan
on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say,
"fortify".

14. Income - I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.

Advantages of breast milk


A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

Texas Cop

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on
the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

6th Graders History Test

Real answers provided by 6th graders to history questions.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the
night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Since It's New Year's Day 2004, I thought I would offer this....

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Police Blotter

In October, police in Fairbanks, Alaska, charged Gail Bergman,
41, with second-degree assault for stabbing her live-in
boyfriend in the buttocks with two paring knives in a domestic
squabble. Bergman denied it, claiming that the boyfriend
actually showed up at the door that night naked with the two
knives already stuck in him. According to police, Bergman's
main concern seemed to be that she had finally relocated the
knives: "I've been asking him where those knives have been for
the last three weeks. Why is he walking around town with knives
sticking out of his butt?"

Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:

* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"

* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"