You Gotta Laugh

Signs Found in Kitchens

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

10. Housework done properly can kill you.

11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives

12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

The Texan

A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston!" "Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian. "Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Ain't he the guy who ran for help?"

Quote for today

"I can handle anything that life throws at me - I may not be able to handle it well, or correctly, or gracefully, or with finesse, or expediently -- but I will handle it.'"

Quote for Today

I wanted a perfect ending... Now I've learned the hard way, that some
poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle
and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and
making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
- Gilda Radner

Correct!

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a packet of condoms. "I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married," the pharmacist says.
"Well, I am," replies the patron.
"You'll have to prove it," says the pharmacist.
So the man rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the pharmacist and finally gets his condoms.
A few days later, the same guy goes back to the same pharmacist to get some flea powder for his dog.
"Got a dog license?" the pharmacist asks. The man reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog license and is finally handed his flea powder.
The next day he's back in the shop and hands the pharmacist a screw-top-jar. "Here, smell this," he tells the man behind the counter. The pharmacist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff. "Shit!" cries the pharmacist, wrinkling his nose.
"Correct," says the man. "Now two rolls of toilet paper, please."

ZERO GRAVITY

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.

Ed: I seriously doubt the 12 BILLION figure but the point is vaild, ain't it?

Typical

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please, answer the question. What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”

“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

WISDOM THROUGH THE AGES


Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.

Most of man's troubles stem from too much time on his hands and not enough on his knees.

Honesty pays, but not enough for some people.

Experience teaches us that there is a small but important difference between keeping your chin up and sticking your neck out.

Caution: Do not ask for advice, you might get it.

A lot of trouble in this world is caused by combining a narrow mind with a wide mouth.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one notices it when you are.

A family man is one who replaces the money in his wallet with snapshots of the wife and kids.

The person who toots his own horn has everyone running to get out of the way.

The man who knows how, will always find a place in life, but the man who knows why, will probably be his boss.


Some people hold the key to the situation, and then are too lazy to turn it.


The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


A successful man is one who can earn more money than his family can spend.

The peak years of mental activity are between the ages of four and eighteen. At four they know all the questions, at eighteen they know all the answers.

The mind is a scheme engine.

The trouble with these smart, modern children is that they don't smart enough in the right places.

He who laughs last probably intended to tell the story himself.

The early fish gets hooked for the same thing the early bird gets credit for.

There is nothing remarkable about love at first sight. It's when people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes remarkable.

The difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.

Prayer is a time exposure of the soul to God.

There is just as much horse sense as ever, but it seems like the horses have it all.

Love is oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses

Luck is a lazy person's estimate of a worker's success.

Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.

A lot of people are smarter than they look . . .and they ought to be.

No one is as busy as the person who has nothing to do.

Say what you will about the devil...he's a hustler.

Get to know your neighbors ; you might just like them.

ACCORDING TO YOUR STAR SIGN, HOW BAD IS YOUR ANGER?

(Know anyone like this? I do.)

ARIES March 21 April 20
Nothing seems to ruffle you more than a lack of discipline, disloyalty
and decorum.But Arians are also known to go into a rage very easily
when challenged. Those of you who have been on the receiving end of the
Aries temper know that if not calmed down they can even get violent. But
one thing is certain if the opponent remains calm and does not react to
their outburst, Arians cool down very fast.They are also the first to
apologize, which makes them easier to forgive.

TAURUS April 21 May 20
You are generally quiet and have control over your emotions. It is
difficult to predict what will upset you, so when you do lose your cool,
people don't know how to react. Your temper is like that of a raging
bull, and anyone trying to pacify you will be the first one to get a
verbal bashing. You generally get upset when you are cornered or when
people accuse you of doing something wrong. You also hate being
reminded about mistakes you've made in the past. You also have the potential
to be terribly vindictive if rubbed the wrong way.

GEMINI May 21 June 20
You are recognised by your cheerful disposition and your jovial nature
is not easily susceptible to anger. In fact, you are the best person to
have around when there is an ugly scene at a party you can bring the
warring factions together quite diplomatically. But when you lose your
cool,you yell and scream and will not listen to reason. You must have
the last word in a wordy duel. Your capacity to argue aggressively is
matched only by your seductive c harm.

CANCER June 21 July 21
Considering how charming, caring, and kind you are, you dislike
unpleasant scenes, much less creating one yourself. You have great tolerance
and rarely get provoked into losing your temper. If someone is
unreasonable or trying to create trouble, you are more likely to walk away
quietly. But that does not mean you do not have a temper. When angry, in
your effort to control your emotions, you tremble, your hands get
sweaty, and sometimes you fumble for words. Tears roll down your eyes
easily and the opponent is touched by your innocence and will seek an
apology immediately

LEO July 22 August 21
If anyone has total control over their emotions, it is you. But
then,you can be described as stiff, cold and uncaring. You are known to lack
spontaneity but you really don't care about opinions. You don't like
2createscenes and will never accept invitations to a party where you
suspectthe presence of an unruly lot. But your very presence seems
challenging to some and they take vicarious pleasure in your disquiet. When
angry you can use very critical language. A dressing-down can humiliate
your opponent, causing a strain between both of you forever

VIRGO August 22 September 21
Most of you are gentle and have full control over your emotions, but
those of you given to temper tantrums can certainly get violent. When
see thing with rage, you yell and shout and tend to break things lying
close at hand. You can even harm yourself by banging your hands on a
glass top table or wall. You should never get into any argument, for you
are a sore loser. You feel that others are trying to persecute you and
don't quite respect your opinions. When hurt, you can also hold
grudges forever.

LIBRA September 22 October 22
Did someone say that you are the charmers of the zodiac? Well,
it'strue. Few have ever seen you ruffled or angry. You are very conscious of
your image, and you believe that anger distorts your face and
personality.You also think u r above things like anger. But wait before you get
into self-congratulatory mood. Your family or those very close to you
know u better. You have an unmatched temper amongst all the zodiac
signs,and what makes it worse is your capacity to justify it.

SCORPIO October 23 November 21
Of course you don't lose your cool. But your very demeanor (manner)
projects haughtiness (arrogance, pride), pride and grand
disdain(disregard) for lesser mortals(humans). Others are often found saying that anger
sits on your nose, and you are raring to give your peace of mind to the
first person who tries to act funny with you. You are selective in the
choice of your friends, and have a low tolerance for the superfluous
(extra) types. Your tongue-lashing (attack) is generally in a soft
hissing tone, for when you scream your voice tends to get shrill and loud,
and you do hate drawing attention to yourself! When upset, you are
angrier with yourself for having shown weakness, for the last thing that
Scorpio wants to show is being out of control.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 December 20
You are insensible and generally have complete no control over your
emotions. You do get angry quickly and others marvel at your anger levels
even when provoked. Actually, you get tongue-tied when angry and you
will remove your anger waiting for the other person to calm down. Then
you will reason with your opponent and convince the other person in a
very gentle manner that the whole thing was just his mistake . You're also
likely to totally sever ties with someone when you're upset with
them...

CAPRICORN December 21 January 19
Few will believe that a hardcore practical and materialistic person
like you is capable of sensitivity and genuine emotions. You project a
hard exterior but are actually very sensitive, a trait you successfully
hide from others. You can be seething with anger but will not betray
your feelings.But then there are times that even you cannot control your
temper. Under such circumstances you can shout and scream, more with
frustration at the situation than with anger at any particular person.
Your outbursts can shockothers and can make them feel guilty too.

AQUARIUS January 20 February 18 .
You are noble and kind and dislike losing control over your emotions.
It is very rare for you to get angry. You are also the pacifier in
situations that involve arguments. It is always your endeavor to be perfect
and socially correct in your behaviour and attitude, but if
misunderstood and slighted you can give in to an angry outburst. You will shout
and scream and then walk out from the scene. You cannot easily forget the
situation and will be bitter about it for a long time.

PISCES February 19 March 20
The only thing that can be said about you dreamers is that you appear
even more attractive when angry. You are very sensitive to others'
feelings,so you rarely hurt them. But when others tend to hurt you, then
things take a nasty turn. You will yell and use harsh words, and feel
inclined to shake everything and everyone up. Your creative imagery is
at its best when angry, and you tend to get pretty dramatic. When
upset, you refuse to listen to reason and wish to be left alone. But once
you calm down, you repent your tantrums and seek forgiveness. So nobody
can be upset with you for too long.

TELL ME MOMMY

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, 'Mommy, are these my brains?'

Mom answered, 'Not yet, honey.'"

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things.

Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

T-Shirt Slogans 2004


I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

On the front- 60 is not old. On the back- If you're a tree.

I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.

At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

Physically pffffffft!

Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

Keep staring....I may do a trick.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

Dangerously under-medicated.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

Every time I hear the word "exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furnitute.

Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.

In God we trust. All others we polygraph.

BOMB SQUAD - If you see me running, try to keep up

Quote for Today

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit."
~Unknown~

Uncle Fred

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then he killed the last one with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Uncle Fred when he's been drinking."

Lawyers

Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism. I would remind you that it is not right to condemn a whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

People...PLEASE!

I keep getting this e-mail (and probably all of you have too) about gas prices and how to get them down. The idea is to not buy from Exxon or Mobil stations until prices come down. Pressure them to drop prices. It's telling us to send the notice to everyone in our address book and before long 300 million people will be onboard to make this happen. Well, folks, as with most simplistic ideas, it won't work. I'm going to explain why, and then I'm going to tell you how to get gas prices down.

There is this thing called economics. At the heart of economics is the concept of supply and demand. If there is too much supply in relation to demand prices will fall. If there is too much demand in relation to supply prices will go up. As you might have noticed with gas prices...these factors can be artifically stimulated for short periods of time, but in the long run they hold true.

Not buying from Exxon or Mobil will only hurt them at their company stores. Many of their branded outlets are independently owned or are franchises. Not buying their brand will hurt those people...probably put them out of business, but it's not going to mean a lot to Exxon or Mobil, because they own the oil leases, the pipelines, the tankers, and the refineries. Where do you think gas comes from that you get at Herbie's Stop & Shop? Comes from the same refineries. A boycott like this on branded names might just convince Exxon and mobil that there's no money in running company outlets and they could close them to save money. That would mean fewer places to buy gas, gas lines, and still no reduction in prices. They probably would use that as an excuse to jack them higher. HELLO? And why not boycott ALL the majors? What about BP? Texaco? All the rest? Anyway, there is truly only one way to get gas prices down. And this is it.

Don't drive so much.
Plan better. Make fewer trips hither and yon.
Carpool the kids.
Figure out ways YOU can drive 10% less. You know you could do tht if you wanted to bad enough. So do it.
Next time you buy a car, buy one that gets 10% better milage. You can do that too. I see a lot of suburbans with one person in them. Sure, if you haul lots of kids or whatever you might need something like that, but a minivan will do the same job, cost less, and get lots better milage. If you think they are uncool, take a little of your gasoline savings and buy mag wheels for you minivan...maybe a flame paintjob..whatever. Just DRIVE LESS ad DRIVE MORE EFFICIENTLY. Prices will come down, and so will your car payments.
Not to mention our kids might have a shot at living in a less polluted environment.
Now...I wonder if any of you will send THIS around to everyone in your address book. Probably not....things that make sense aren't ever very popular. But if you want to send it you most definitely have my permission. Thankyou and have a nice day.
Elmer
elmer_enloe@yahoo.com
PS: I understand Robin Williams suggested that the government offer OPEC $10 a barrel for oil and if they won't take it they can keep their oil and sell it to someone else. I think that's a great idea since who else could buy what the USA buys? We ARE the market yaknow. Only problem is there would be gas panic while the game of chicken played out....

Quote for Today

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go
live with a car battery." -- Erma Bombeck.

Kerry wins contests in Idaho, Utah


Letssee...Idaho and Utah both? That would be what? About 200 voters total? Sue me if I'm wrong, but it's Kerry vs Bush; with Nader as a spoiler again, and why dont' we skip the primaries and conventions?
We are in for a year of soundbytes that nobody wants to hear and a lot of spouting off about "what I will do when I am elected/re-elected" that they aren't ever going to do anyway and they know it...I might just back Nader on account of the political establishment might be respresenting someone out there, but it isn't me.

For all my Republican friends out there. How many of you are better off than you were 4 years ago?
How many of you feel more secure about your children's future than you did 4 years ago?

For my Democrat friends. Pssst...it would be just as bad if Gore was in office.

I wonder if the Committee to Re-Elect Pres. Bush is going to assist Nader on getting on the ballot in all 50 states. I bet they do behind the scenes.

What I find amazing is that I am pushing 50 years old now and not once since I have been old enough to vote have I voted for someone with enthusiasm. Every single time it has been a vote AGAINST the person I saw as the greater of two evils. You would think just once there would be a candidate that appealed to a reasonably intelligent, moderately conservative average guy...right?

The Daily Dozen

TRICKY QUESTION
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom asks Eric what the problem is. "Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask. Now I'm in trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Tom. "My wife asked if I'd still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," said Eric, "Right, except I said 'Of course I do.'"

THE GOOD NEWS
Ms. Smith and Little Johnny's father were having a parent-teacher conference. Ms. Smith said to Johnny's father, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son." Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?" The teacher replied, "With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."


WHAT DO YOU CALL
Q: What do you call a leper in a Jacuzzi?
A: Soup.


OBJECTS
John was talking to Alan. "So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects," said Alan. John asked, "Really?" "Yep," said Alan, "whenever I mention sex, they object."

NEW HINGE
Bubba was fixing a door and he discovered it needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness," said Mary Louise, "that sure is a lot of money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the back room to find one. From the back room, Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

HORMONES
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my testicles."


THE BLONDE AND THE K-9
The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"

ODD MATCH-UP
A 23-year-old girl married a man of 84, and her girlfriend asked how things went. "Well," said the young bride, "did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"

WAR WOUNDS
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. " He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand," says Sean. "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

CANADIANS
Q. Why do Canadians only make love doggy style?
A. So they can both watch the hockey game.

LESBIANS
Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.

LOGIC CLASS
Two dumb guys decide they want to go back to school. When they get to the nearest high school, Jay tells Bob to wait outside and he'll go in and get them qualified as students. When Jay meets the principal, he tells him his story, and why they want to come back to school. In turn, the principal agrees. The principal says, "Well, I'm not sure what class we should start you two off with, but I would suggest a logic class." Jay replies, "Logic class, what's that?" The principal says, "Well, it teaches you that you can figure out things from a given amount of information. I'll give you an example, do you own a lawnmower?" Jay nods. "Okay, so that probably means you own a house." Jay nods again. "That means you probably have a wife, and are heterosexual." Jay nodded again, he was in awe. He went back outside to Bob, and told him their first class would be Logic. Bob says, "Logic? What's that?" Jay says, "All right, I'll give you an example, do you own a lawnmower?" Bob shook his head and said, "No." To which Jay replied, "Oh, my God, I never knew you were gay!"

The Lawyer and the Rancher

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You really are a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

Tigers

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious _expression.

"Dad," the boy said, "if the tiger gets out of his cage and eats you up...."

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

CownTown Pattie took this little quiz and posted the result on her page...I thought I'd do the same. I TOLD ya'll Ol' Elmer ain't such a bad guy, but I think maybe he was supposed to be a gal to take this thang...or maybe it's referring to those things that transcend gender. I ain't sure. ;)


You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Today's Quote:

"Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives." ~William James~

Bravado

A man was chatting to his newfound girlfriend, trying to impress every
way he can, asked, "Be honest, now, baby, How am I as a lover?"

She had to respond so she said, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?" the man was exuberant and excited.

"Yes my love, my hero, you're 'warm' as the dictionary would say!"
winked the girl.

So the Mr. Macho was pleased; went home dancing, and just for fun, checked his dictionary and read, "WARM: Not so hot."

Read'em and weep...


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was
the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
---------------------------------
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few
items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the
girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider"
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding
the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to
her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said
"OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what
had just happened.
---------------------------------
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
---------------------------------
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I
asked. No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."
---------------------------------
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies.
---------------------------------
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back
of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Because I'm A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long after hypothermia has set in.
=====
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I
wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
=====
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never
get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
====
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never,
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
====
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking t apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
====
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
====
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
====
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
====
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to.
====
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
====
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
====
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine... Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?
====

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest.
====

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand
the Male

The Loving Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function (i.e., speaker phone) and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the New 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

NEW WORKPLACE WORDS FOR 2004:
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace copy machine.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!

Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me...'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

Something to think about...

During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz. I breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was a joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade. "Absolutely," the professor said. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

All You Need To Know About Men

Men have only two emotions: "hungry" and "horny." So, women: if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Drinking

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking heavily like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

Marketing

The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party and this good looking; well-built man walks up to you, rubs his chest against your breast and pats your butt.

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

You like it, but 20 Years Later, Your Attorney Decides You Were Offended!!

That's America!!!

MARRIAGE


Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

oops!

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby".

Will someone please explain to me......

What happened to the Dean campaign and who lit a fire under Kerry?
Seems like it was just day before yesterday that Dean was so far out in front that he was almost out of sight...and then there were all the rest. What mechanism caused such a sweeping about face for these two candidates? I really want to know...
~Elmer~

Rumsfeld Asserts al-Qaida Active in Iraq

This headline prompts me to think immediately of two things:

1. Duh?

2. Are they hiding in the same place as all of those weapons of mass destruction?

Common sense tells me this is probably true. My skepticism wants to know why I should believe anything Rumsfield says. Next he'll be saying "I'm with the government and I'm here to help you." Oh wait, he already said that. He also said the Iraqi people don't like all the bombings. Where did they get this guy?

Do ya ever feel like they wrote this about your life story? I do sometimes.
(Oh hell now I'll get e-mails telling me to take my meds, *LOL*)

"Tis a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
-From (and spoken by) Macbeth

Where are all of the jobs?

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....


Editorial Comment: there's this thing called economics. Ol' Joe seems to be living pretty good for a guy with no job. Only in America. Thing is, Ol' Joe wouldn't be able to afford any of that stuff if it was made in America, because wages here would push the price of that stuff waaay higher. If you can buy something for $5 in this store or the same thing for $10 in that store, you are gonna buy it here for $5, right? Why should a company look at that any different? And now you know why we call them corporations, not charities. ~Elmer~

Golden Phone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country.

He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around he United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in northern Alabama.

Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone.

But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.

Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call."

...and one that explains the world we live in:

" I don't think there are seven deadly sins, there is just one: fear.
Fear is the foundation of all negativity in the world. Where there is
fear, there is discontent. Where there is fear, there is jealousy,
disloyalty, hate, anger. When you are afraid, love is absent."
~Erykah Badu~

Quote for today:

"One who has journeyed in a strange land cannot return unchanged".
~ C. S. Lewis ~

This isn't a funny...consider it a public service announcement....

Recipe for happiness

Feel like you're simmering on the stove of life?

Well, we've cooked up the perfect recipe for you. The best part is
that all the ingredients for a good life are easily within reach.

You'll need:
1 part of knowing who you are
1 part of knowing who you aren't
1 part of knowing what you want
1 part of knowing who you wish to be
1 part of knowing what you already have before you
1 part of choosing wisely from what you have before you
1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have ("bad" included)

Mixing Instructions: Combine ingredients together gently and carefully.
Using faith and vision, mix together with strong belief of the outcome,
until finely blended. Use thoughts, words and actions for best results.
Repeat. Yields unlimited servings!

You might be from Alaska if...

1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.

7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.

8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.

12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.

14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

17. You head south to go to your cottage.

18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.

20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

21. You find -60 F a little chilly.

22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.

23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.

25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.

26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.

28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.

Yaknow...this is getting boring. I think I'm gonna have to start tossing out a few editorials along with the funnies, because as anyone who knows me can tell you, I have opinions. My opinion for today is:

People are rude and getting more so every day. Even here in Texas, where odds are that the stranger you run across is likely to be toting a concealed weapon. Now, to me, being rude to a stranger who is armed and presumably dangerous, and who might have, indeed is quite likely to have....already run across his or her fill of rude people today...well that's just really dumb, wouldn't you say?

So, in an effort to brighten up the dim bulbs of society, I am going to make a suggestion. If you must be rude (And why the heck must you in the first place?) you should do it early in the day, when the gun toting public isn't as likely to have reached their daily breaking point. Eventually ongoing rudeness is almost certain to get you shot, but this will at least allow you to defy the odds as long as possible while remaining a complete jerk. There, I have done my daily service to society. And remember..have a nice day!

Gotta Love the Irish!(thanks DP)

Irish man in bar had a few too many. Mick the bartender says, 'Paddy, it's time you should be going home'.
'Ay it is that' says Paddy. Getting off his stool he falls flat on his face.
'I must be drunk' he says, and stuggles to get to the door, but falls flat on his face again before he gets outside
'Guiness, damned stuff' , and seeing his house two doors down the road, stumbles two or three yards and falls flat on his face yet again.
'I be as drunk as a lord !'
He decides to crawl the rest of the way home, he gets up the stairs, and falls into bed next to his sleeping wife.
When he wakes the next morning , his wife says, 'Hmm, had a bit of trouble getting home? Too much to drink did ye?
'So what if I did, how did you know?' he asks...
'Because Mick rang and asked when you'll be wanting your wheelchair."

The Final Spelling Bee

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

George

Teacher : ' George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?'

Student: ' Because George still had the axe in his hand?'

Second Opinion

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time..

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to cut, cut, cut, Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Save money. You wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

So many Valentines...

A woman went to the mall last week to buy Valentine's cards for her daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her. She muttered out loud, 'I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands.'

The clerk behind the counter said, 'Oh, yes, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.'

'Really?'

'Yes ma'am. They're called darts.'"

CALLING IN SICK

Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today...my doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

check this out!

Q: Whats the difference between a horse's tail and a man's tie?

A: The horse's tail covers the whole asshole.

Welfare

"A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year'.

The guy says, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker says, 'Yeah, well, you started it.'"

Pit Bull

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind them in the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. Sherespectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Random thoughts about silly things

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Just tryin' to help!

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

Flying

Before takeoff...

"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. "We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us ! all a fa vor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

"Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLOOO!!

"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is: the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind.'

"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

"We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

"If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"

After landing . . .

"Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport! . Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because 'shift happens'."

A Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!' That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize, the other
night, with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'"

Oh Hell, Herman!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

The Zen Master

The wise Zen Master is visiting New York one day from Tibet. He goes up to a local hot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything.'
The hot dog vendor fixes him a delicious hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who proceeds to pay with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. 'Where's my change?' asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, 'Change must come from within.'"

She Missed!

Lorena Bobbit's sister was arrested yesterday, for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg, causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
She has been charged with a 'MisdeWeiner'.

The Blonde and the Redhead

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, darn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

25 Kids' Books That Didn't Make It

25- You're Different -- And That's Bad
24- The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
23- Robert: Dad's New Wife
22- Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
21- The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
20- Kathy Was So Bad That Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
19- Curious George & The High-Voltage Fence
18- All Cats Go to Hell
17- The Little Sissy That Snitched
16- Why Can't Mr. Fork & Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
15- That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
14- Grandpa Gets A Casket
13- 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
12- The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11- Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
10- The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
9- Strangers Have the Best Candy
8- Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
7- You Were an Accident
6- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
5- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
4- Your Nightmares Are Real
3- Where Would You Like to be Buried?
2- You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
1- Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

Toughest Golf Shot

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, 'What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!'

The guy answers, 'My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.'

His partner replies....."Forget it man, you'll never hit her from here!'"

Six Affairs


The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass
and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money" inquires the man? Four cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?" exclaimed the in. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

THOUGHT FOR TODAY
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"Nature didn't make us perfect so she did the next best thing...
She made us blind to our faults."
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Age Old Wisdom

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

For All You Women Out There

Men are like..............

Men are like ...... Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ...... Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ...... Vacations ......They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ...... Weather ....... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ...... Blenders ....... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ....... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ...... Coffee .......... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ...... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ...... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ...... Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ...... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ...... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ...... Snowstorms .... Ya never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ...... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ...... Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Ed Note: And woman who believe this crap are like a game of cards...they are gonna be Old Maids. *heh*

Kicking Does Not Pay

The little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet" said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

He goes to feed the chickens and he kicks the chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks the cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks the pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chickens, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk."

About that time, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Which Condom Is For You?.........

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Timex Condoms: It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI: For friends and family
Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

Even More Crazy English

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don'tgroce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, if Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

More Crazy English

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Crazy English
FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

WHO IS THIS?

Hillary Clinton went to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She was furious. She was in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this had happened to her! She called home, got Bill on the phone and immediately started screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault, Bill! Well, what have you got to say?" There was nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screamed again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she heard Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he said,

"Who is this?"

CHANGES

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked Him if this was "it." God said, "No. I am sending you back. You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc. She even had a hairdresser come to the hospital to change her hair colour before she was released from the hospital. She figured that, since she had such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the most of it.

She left the hospital after all the operations, and while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance and was immediately killed. Arriving in front of God, the woman demanded, "I thought you said I had another forty years left to live. What happened?"

God replied, "Oh shit, I didn't recognize you."

WHEN DO I START?

A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Cajun. The foreman was a bit of a bigot, and he thought to himself "I don't want to hire any Cajuns", so he made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So its dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this guy, so he says, "Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One 'hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one 'hundred. So when I start?"