You Gotta Laugh

Here are some good questions and even better answers:

Q: What's the definition of a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q: How do you find a Blind Man in an nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Why do women call it PMS?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Good fortune

Charles' sickly, widowed father is not expected to live much longer and he will inherit a fortune upon his father's passing,

Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy his fortune with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

'I'm just an ordinary man,' he said, walking up to her, 'but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Will men ever learn? "

Father's pride!

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.

The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?

Press 9

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"

The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

Management Theory (God I love this one!)

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Lawyer Humor

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.

1st day on the job

On my first day at the gas station, I watched a coworker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my coworker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

Semi-Serious Saturday

As my dear friend Vic (who is a Scorpio but whom I love anyway against my better judgement) pointed out, I didn't mention the term "whatever" in the post about Breaking the Code - A Woman Reveals All. Well, there's a couple of reasons I didn't mention it...the first one being that I didn't originate that post....faithful readers will be aware that I don't make this crap up....I'm just reporting the news, so to speak. (yeah there have been a few exceptions lately where I do have something to say and I say it...but generally it really does all show up in my mailbox). the second reason for not mentioning the term "whatever" is that I screwed up that post and a bunch of it was cut off and I don't really remember if "Whatever" was in the original or not, but either way I am going to say something here about "Whatever".

Men occasionally use the term "whatever". They almost always use it to mean "I'm cool with however things turn out..." And they only rarely make it into it's component parts with that little high-brow twist we all know and fail to love....you know..""What-EVAH"
A lot of women have adopted the reply of "whatever" (usually with the high brow twist) when they wish to indicate that they don't care to discuss the current subject further, or they don't care to think about the current subject further, or when they just don't care, period. I personally detest that word. It pushes my buttons, rings my bells, sets off my radar, and generally probably triggers the effect the speaker desires when she says it. It makes me not want to deal with that particular individual. Why? because it's about as rude and dismissive a term as has been invented in the English language, it shows no common courtesy, and to me it comes across as a very self-centered statement....essentially the speaker might as well be saying "I don't care what you think." When you consider that relationships between two people are based fundamentally on communication, it should be pretty plain that telling someone in a word that what they say/think/feel/whatever (sorry, couldn't resist!) is not something you are interested in hearing just can't be a productive habit.
Now in fairness, there are times when the term is fine...even funny...but people form habits and next thing you know the same word is popping out when it's not fine and is damaging and unproductive. I do understand that people say "whatever" out of a sense of frustration sometimes, probably more often than they say it out of a real sense of indifference, but I'm here to tell ya that if you want your involvements with people of the opposite sex to work, it's not a word you should make an active part of your vocabulary.
And Vic...if you still aren't clear about breaking the code when it comes to the term "whatever", well just go look at the word "fine" in the breaking the code bit. The part about "we feel we are right but we need to shut you up" applies to whatever as well.

And now I'm gonna post this....if some of ya don't like it or think I'm wrong...well.....
.....WHATEVER.........;)

Breaking the Code: A Woman Reveals All

1. Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you
up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This
will cause you to have one of those arguments.

2. Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so really it's an even
trade.

3. Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes.
'Nothing' is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside
down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usuallysignifies an
argument that will last 'Five Minutes' and end with
the word 'Fine.'

4. Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over 'Nothing' and will end with the
word 'Fine.'

5. Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means 'I give up' or 'do what you want because I

Olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

MY LAST WISH

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye." O''Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. "O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request.

"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Confession
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh,that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priestsaid.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his
coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more.As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in the head."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalkmarks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

He replied, "Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest,wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

Seniors Molested On Bus

A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I ve just been molested!" The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to herseat, and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver. "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away..."

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

SYMPTOM Feet cold and wet.
FAULT Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM Feet warm and wet.
FAULT Improper bladder control.
ACTION Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT Glass empty.
ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT You have fallen over backward.
ACTION Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT You have fallen forward.
ACTION See above.

SYMPTOM Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM Floor blurred.
FAULT You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM Floor moving.
FAULT You are being carried out.
ACTION Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT Bar has closed.
ACTION Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT You are dancing on the table.
ACTION Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION Punch him.

SYMPTOM Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT You have been in a fight.
ACTION Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT The beer is too weak.
ACTION Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT Beer is just right.
ACTION Play air guitar.

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was er ... uh ... is interested in possibly doing a little business?"

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door"

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots all excited and eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door automatically locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign that reads:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

The Present

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where am I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Kentucky Tales

A Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "'Bout whut?".

Blondes

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

No Lectrisity

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Spaghetti


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy tosecretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write" Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey," she! said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

Damn Lies and Statistics

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

- 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*

- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

- 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)

- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

- 82% believe in an afterlife.

- 45% believe in ghosts.

- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

- 29% are virgins when they marry.

- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

- Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

- 35% give to charity at least once a month.

- How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

- Snickers is the most popular candy.

- 22% of us skip lunch daily.

- 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

- 45% use mouthwash every day.

- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

- 33% of women lie about their weight.

- 10% claim to have seen a ghost.

- 57% have had deja vu.

- 49% believe in ESP.

- 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

- 44% have broken a bone.

- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.

- 15% regularly go to a shrink.

- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

- 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. What's up?

- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

- 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!

- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host... whoops, "uh.. just looking for the uh..."

- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his pants).

- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

- 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, "My son ain't illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!"]

- Less than 10% are trilingual.

- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. Now, make it TWO million and half the night... : )

- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

- 40% of us have had music lessons.

- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men,
(and they say statistics don't lie. See 91% Americans lie regularly for details. Yeah, we know the rest of you men just have wives who TELL you the
anniversary is coming up!)

- 59% of us say we're average-looking.

- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

- 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

- 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

- 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

- On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

- 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]

- 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

- 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd :) ]

- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

- 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

- 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

- 25% drive after they've been drinking.

- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

- 1 in 3 have had an extramarital affair.

- 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.

Gotcha

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “Regret that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.”

The Daily Quiz:

Why is a Woman like a condom?

If you know, use comments to answer.....

The Bear Hunter

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Er...Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

"Three Bulls"

Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They've heard a rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their cows.

The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with MY 120 cows. I am not about to share any of MY cows with this new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 60 cows, so I can't afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm still a teenager. I'm already climbing the walls with just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard. The entire trailer contains just one animal - the biggest, baddest bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns four feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank, the two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner of the pasture, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot over to the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows."

"He can HAVE my 20 cows," replies the young bull, snorting and pawing the ground again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL!"

Aaah, the life of a teacher...

A first grade teacher was working with a small group of students when one little girl said under her breath, "Damn!" The teacher leaned over to her and quietly said, "Susie, we don't say that word here at school." The little girl looked up at her teacher with wide eyes. "Really, teacher? Not even when everything's all f**ked up?"

Heaven or Hell?

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she’d just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. “The only thing is,” she mused, “that I don’t know where to send them.” “Why not?” asked her friend. “Well, he didn’t actually say that he was in Heaven, but I can’t imagine he’d be in Hell.”
“Hmm,” responded the friend. “Well, maybe I shouldn’t bring this up, but, did he mention anything about including matches in the package?”

Thursday is Rambles Day this week....this one isn't funny. Sue me.


Truth and Consequences and Wounded Minds - Can You
Relate?

I've got a middle aged perspective on relationships. More accurately, I have MY middle-aged perspective on relationships. In my opinion (and everyone who knows me knows I can be counted on to have one, popular or not) people in my age range look at relationships in a different way than they did in younger years. We used to look at them in terms of romance, and a future together, building a family...living the American dream. I think in middle age we look at things from a different angle....hmm...that's a key term...a different angle. It's the same world but we see it in a different way. I sense the glimmer of understanding in that term...probably has something to do with realizing that no two people can look at the same event and see the exact same thing. Their eyes cannot possibly be in exactly the same place, so it is in fact a different version of the same event. It can be very close, but never exactly the same. Life as Geometry...an interesting concept. Ben Standifer-Geometry Teacher Extraordinare...wherever you are...I salute you. Took me awhile to realize that you were giving us the keys to the kingdom, so to speak.

From my current angle, life comes downs to needs and expectations...everyone has them....fewer understand what their individual needs and expectations are. For most of us, I think it's easier to state what we DON'T want, what we can't tolerate, what will slam a door shut on the possibility of co-esisting happily with someone else. That's probably a starting point. What can't you handle? What isn't tolerable? In a way, it seems like approching the issue from a reverse-engineering viewpoint, but when you think about it, it was good enough for God. The Ten Commandments are simply a list of things you SHALL NOT DO if you want to be successful in life. Assuming of course that you define success in life as having a shot at winding up in Heaven.

So....What are your personal Ten Commandments? You have them, but do you know what they are? Have you ever tried to write them down? Could you personally live by them? If you can't, you want to live a life of double standards, and that might require further study on your part. I'd be interested in hearing about yours. I somehow doubt that of all the people who will eventually read this there will be very many who will get back to me with theirs. Just a guess.

A lot of people want to have their cake and eat it too. The perfect world is one in which you can do whatever you please and avoid any unpleasant consequences of your actions, right? Is that realistic? Nope, of course not. Yet how many of us keep trying to make that possible? Do you think that maybe finding a state of grace requires that you look at what IS instead of what you want things to be? Does happiness lie in the direction of dreams and desires that make you feel good right now in spite of undesirable consequences to come? Or would it be better to design a set of personal rules for life that takes into account the reality of chickens coming home to roost? How many of you have done things that you KNOW are going to be damaging at some point in the future because it makes you feel better about yourself right now? How many of you have fooled yourself into believing that it would magically turn out all right when you know in the back of your mind that it can't? How many of you have indulged your need to feel better about yourself at the ultimate cost of the love of someone dear to you? How many of you have lived a life of dishonesty and deceit, knowing all the while that one day the piper will come to collect, but all the while telling yourself it will all work out somehow? Someone...maybe it was Walt Whitman...not sure but his name comes to mind....said the majority of men live lives of quiet desperation. How many of you qualify?

How many of you view yourselves in terms of professional success and achievements and tell yourselves you are a successful person and yet you make a trainwreck of your personal life? How many of you value the love and respect of your family...your spouse, your children, your parents, your siblings, over your professional successes? Very few of us will accomplish anything of lasting meaning. Not many of us will make the history books, or have monuments built in our honor. Most of us can expect at best a tombstone to survive the ages once we are gone. There will be those who remember us - hopefully in a good light...but eventually they too will be gone, and there will be nobody alive who knew us personally. Has anyone ever seen a tombstone that said anything about He/She was a great manager? Is there one anywhere that says He/She earned a lot of money? I've seen "loving Husband/Wife/Mother/Father". Those are common...the cynic in me wonders if they are true, but they do actually exist. So...do you live your life as you want to be remembered, or will people have to lie about you at your funeral? In the midst of a world that is in large part senseless, do you maintain your personal integrity? Does anything else count? How many people are honorable people anymore? The world has always been a nasty place, but people once prided themselves in having personal honor. Often it was carried to the point of what we might consider stupid today, but if you knew that dishonoring another might mean a duel to the death, might you not think twice before you carry out the insult? Human nature is a study in enlightened self-interest. Many people..(most?)....will treat one another like dirt given the slightest provocation IF..and this is key...IF they can do with without suffering consequences. IF they KNOW there will be consequences they stop and evaluate in terms of: Do they want to experience those consequences? And that creates a civilized society. One would like to think we were a bit more evolved but I'm just keeping it real. Look around you. People do one another harm all the time and often it's not even for a reason that I can discern other than meanness. If you want to know how you are doing in life...well I've come up with a question you can ask yourself that might provide an answer. Ask yourself..."If murder became legal today would you still be alive by bedtime tomorrow?" That seems to cut right to the heart of the matter. If that were to come to pass, I'd bet there are a number of you reading this who wouldn't be with us next week. And maybe I shouldn't say "be with us", because I might be one of you.

A husband who beats his wife isn't acceptable. But if she take him back and he suffers no consequences does he not learn that it actually is acceptable? A wife who cheats on her husband isn't acceptable. But if he forgives her and take her back and she suffers no consequences, does she not learn that it is acceptable? Are consequences the only thing that keep us civilized? How do those around you deal with your wrongdoings? Do they lovingly accept you and forgive you. Of course not. They may act like they do, and they may try with all of their heart to understand, but I don't believe they ever truly forgive and they certainly never forget. Damage is done, no matter how much we might like to overlook that fundamental fact. Healing is possible, but scars are forever. People don't seem to understand that this is a fact of nature, yet the signs are everywhere if we need confirmation. The tree lives but the broken branch leaves lasting evidence. Anyone who cares to observe will see the scars. People can exist with scars. Open wounds are another matter....they heal or they can become infected...grangrenous...and when that happens they will eventually eat a person up.

Some of you may know that my life was recently touched by a suicide. For those who don't...it was a double suicide, or an assisted death followed by a suicide...even a murder/suicide is possible.....it's really never going to be completely clear. I find myself with thoughts on the matter that need to be expressed, and as always, you are occasionally my unwitting and probably unwilling audience.

If you've ever known a suicide you've known someone whose wounds could not heal. Someone whose healing process was interrupted by re-injury...I don't believe that people will commit suicide upon being wounded once. I think it takes laying open the same wound repeatedly until eventually it festers. The problem is these are almost always mental wounds...wounds to the psyche....and they can go unseen, even by the people who play a part in their creation. I could make some comments here about people who are dispassionate and out of touch..insensitive and uncaring, but that's not alway the case. Sometimes the person who is suffering suffers in silence. It makes sense. Why expose your inner self to someone you no longer trust to look out for your well-being? Or to someone who thinks they are helping but aren't? Or someone who doesn't understand and whose words will only pour salt in your wound?

I know somewhere in the back of my mind that tunnel vision sets in...the mind is no longer able to see the big picture.....a form of obsession must set in. The world becomes very narrow and focused, and the mind is so overwhelmed by the alarms going off in the psyche that if can't consider any other issue beside the one that is screaming for it's attention. The mental pain becomes overwhelming...the noise becomes too much...and it builds and builds and the tunnel vision eliminates the rest of the world, the visions of a better tomorrow, the possibility that life can go on and will be better. No, there is only the screaming pain. And there comes a point where the mind regains control over the pain...pushes down the pain....conquers the unbearable....or the mind gives in. Either way, the pain has to stop. The body has a mechanism for dealing with physical pain beyond the limits a human can bear....we go into shock. It makes our subsequent survival or dying bearable. There is no mechanism for dealing with unbearable mental anguish. You either get through it and survive or you make the decision to make it stop. From within the pain, I bet suicide looks like a perfectly reasonable option.

I've been in horrible physical pain, so bad that I was terrified of what would happen if it didn't stop...wondering how much one body could take and what happens when I crossed that line into the realm of what one body can't take.....and from within that pain there was no logic. I forgot that shock would protect me from what I couldn't bear. There was no thinking about others. There was no reasoning. There was only the pain and the need for it to stop. NOTHING else mattered. I was unreachable. And I know instinctively that suicide is much the same.

Telling someone they can't do themselves in..that people care..that people will miss them...to think of everyone else...to think of their future..to be aware that they are a wonderful person with many talents and people who love them....none of it matters from within the pain. There is only the need to make it stop. To flip the switch. And the switch will flip...always. It might flip in the direction of backing away from the abyss and handing the pain...conquering the pain....or it may flip in the direction of ending the pain..for good. And if you think you can predict in advance which you would choose....You are wrong.

Made ya think. ;)

Ventriloquist...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, 'I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?'

The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

'It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community,' she continued, 'and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor.'

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde interjects, 'You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!'"

Lipstick Lesson

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators ...

A Good Heart

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want? I'll take the lawyer's heart, said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. It was easy, said the patient, I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

Grandmothers

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. When we came, she snapped indignantly, he had a hat!"

Mom's Answering Machine


Hello - This is your Mother!

*If you want my advice:
PRESS 1

*If you want to argue:
PRESS 2

*If you want your father to drive you somewhere
PRESS 3

*If you want to leave a message:
WAIT FOR THE TONE

*If you want to aggravate me or borrow money:
HANG UP!

Mis-Stated


Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

French language lesson


A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine - "la maison."

"Pencil" is masculine - "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is a 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The Blonde Speaks

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument."

STRENGTH CONTEST


A strong, broad-shouldered young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building across the street that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see what you got.'

The old man reached out, and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, get in.'"

ED: Just more proof that old age and treachery will win out over youth and exuberance every time. Heh.

Think different...From Apple

Here’s to the crazy ones.

The misfits.

The rebels.

The troublemakers.

The round pegs in the square holes.

The ones who see things differently.

They’re not fond of rules.

And they have no respect for the status quo.

You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.

About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.

Because they change things.

They invent. They imagine. They heal.

They explore. They create. They inspire.

They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?

We make tools for these kinds of people.

While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

[see http://www.apple.com/thinkdifferent/]

The Moral of the Story

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals . A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)


"When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Quote for Today

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
~Joseph Campbell~

Babysitting for 10

My sister works as a secretary for a number of medical doctors. One is the father of 10 children. One night it was his turn to stay home and take care of the house and the kids while his wife got out to relax.

The doctor settled down in the living room to read his newspaper and magazines. There were kids running all around, up and down stairs and just having a grand time. Finally it got to be about 8PM and the doctor calls out with a loud voice, "OK, everybody upstairs and start getting ready for bed!"

There is heard this stampede of kids heading up the stairs as they were ordered. The doctor settles down in his chair with a bit more of peace and quiet. Only a few minutes pass when he hears the distinct foot fall of someone coming down the stairs. He hollers out, "I told you to get upstairs and to get ready for bed."

Next thing heard is the sound of feet running upstairs.

Once again, the doctor settles into his reading. Not two minutes pass but that he hears quite distinctly the steps of someone coming down the stairs. He gets up out of his chair and goes and stands at the bottom of the stairs. With hands on his hips I looks up at the child and says, "Didn't I tell you to get upstairs and get ready for bed?"

Sheepishly the child looks at the doctor and says, "But mister, I don't even live here!"

DIAGNOSIS

A woman calls a psychiatrist, and says, 'Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son.'

'He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.'

'How can you say all that without even meeting him?' the mother asked.

'Didn't you say he was 13?'"

Top 10 reasons computers are male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

Man Wanted

Woman's husband dies and she inherits millions of dollars. She decides after a while that the money just isn't enough and she needs someone to fill the void. She decides the easiest way to go about finding someone would be to use the personal ads in the paper. Comes up with this ad:
RICH WIDOW SEEKING MAN, HAS TO MEET THESE THREE QUALITIES: WON'T BEAT HER UP, WON'T RUN AWAY, AND IS GREAT IN BED. CALL-555-1212 OR COME BY- 212 OAK STREET. Over the few days after the ad ran she had tons of men call but none of them seemed right. Then when she was about to give up, the doorbell rang. The widow opened the door but didn't see anyone. When she was about to shut the door, she heard someone yell "Hey!." There on the welcome mat sat a man with no arms and no legs. "May I help you," asked the widow. "I'm here about the ad in the paper," the man replied. "What?" asked the surprised widow. The man proceeded to answer, "I don't have any arms so I can't beat you up, and I don't have any legs so I can't run away." "Well what makes you think you're so great in bed?" she asked. The man simply said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

He said, She said

He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said, "Well, you succeeded."

Oops

Ralph and Billy were drinking heavily in a bar. After a several drinks, Ralph fully confided in Billy and started mumbling out his love life deep secrets.

Ralph said, 'The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk', I must remember to be in my own car and not hers.'"