Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Okay, folks...this blog ain't dead yet but it is temporarily out of action...a lot is happening in life and sometimes ya just gotta pick and choose what has to slip a bit, and this is one of the things that's slipping. Find me again in May....I expect the fires to be out by then.
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Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Here are some good questions and even better answers:
Q: What's the definition of a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.
Q: How do you find a Blind Man in an nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: Why do women call it PMS?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q: What's the definition of a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.
Q: How do you find a Blind Man in an nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: Why do women call it PMS?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Good fortune
Charles' sickly, widowed father is not expected to live much longer and he will inherit a fortune upon his father's passing,
Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy his fortune with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
'I'm just an ordinary man,' he said, walking up to her, 'but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Will men ever learn? "
Charles' sickly, widowed father is not expected to live much longer and he will inherit a fortune upon his father's passing,
Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy his fortune with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
'I'm just an ordinary man,' he said, walking up to her, 'but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Will men ever learn? "
Saturday, March 20, 2004
Father's pride!
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.
The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.
The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?
Press 9
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly.
Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly.
Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."
Management Theory (God I love this one!)
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Lawyer Humor
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
1st day on the job
On my first day at the gas station, I watched a coworker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my coworker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."
Semi-Serious Saturday
As my dear friend Vic (who is a Scorpio but whom I love anyway against my better judgement) pointed out, I didn't mention the term "whatever" in the post about Breaking the Code - A Woman Reveals All. Well, there's a couple of reasons I didn't mention it...the first one being that I didn't originate that post....faithful readers will be aware that I don't make this crap up....I'm just reporting the news, so to speak. (yeah there have been a few exceptions lately where I do have something to say and I say it...but generally it really does all show up in my mailbox). the second reason for not mentioning the term "whatever" is that I screwed up that post and a bunch of it was cut off and I don't really remember if "Whatever" was in the original or not, but either way I am going to say something here about "Whatever".
Men occasionally use the term "whatever". They almost always use it to mean "I'm cool with however things turn out..." And they only rarely make it into it's component parts with that little high-brow twist we all know and fail to love....you know..""What-EVAH"
A lot of women have adopted the reply of "whatever" (usually with the high brow twist) when they wish to indicate that they don't care to discuss the current subject further, or they don't care to think about the current subject further, or when they just don't care, period. I personally detest that word. It pushes my buttons, rings my bells, sets off my radar, and generally probably triggers the effect the speaker desires when she says it. It makes me not want to deal with that particular individual. Why? because it's about as rude and dismissive a term as has been invented in the English language, it shows no common courtesy, and to me it comes across as a very self-centered statement....essentially the speaker might as well be saying "I don't care what you think." When you consider that relationships between two people are based fundamentally on communication, it should be pretty plain that telling someone in a word that what they say/think/feel/whatever (sorry, couldn't resist!) is not something you are interested in hearing just can't be a productive habit.
Now in fairness, there are times when the term is fine...even funny...but people form habits and next thing you know the same word is popping out when it's not fine and is damaging and unproductive. I do understand that people say "whatever" out of a sense of frustration sometimes, probably more often than they say it out of a real sense of indifference, but I'm here to tell ya that if you want your involvements with people of the opposite sex to work, it's not a word you should make an active part of your vocabulary.
And Vic...if you still aren't clear about breaking the code when it comes to the term "whatever", well just go look at the word "fine" in the breaking the code bit. The part about "we feel we are right but we need to shut you up" applies to whatever as well.
And now I'm gonna post this....if some of ya don't like it or think I'm wrong...well.....
.....WHATEVER.........;)
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Breaking the Code: A Woman Reveals All
1. Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you
up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This
will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so really it's an even
trade.
3. Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes.
'Nothing' is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside
down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usuallysignifies an
argument that will last 'Five Minutes' and end with
the word 'Fine.'
4. Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over 'Nothing' and will end with the
word 'Fine.'
5. Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means 'I give up' or 'do what you want because I
Olives
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
MY LAST WISH
Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye." O''Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. "O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request.
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
Confession
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh,that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priestsaid.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his
coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more.As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in the head."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalkmarks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"
He replied, "Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest,wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
Seniors Molested On Bus
A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I ve just been molested!" The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to herseat, and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver. "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away..."
